The Sports Hernia Blog

Mike Modano, Jeremy Roenick and Playoff Beards

If these two Funny or Die shorts don't give you flashbacks to sitting in your dorm room playing NHL 95 on Genesis, than we probably don't like you (or you are way too young to understand).

The Playoff Beard Follies: Missing The Beards - watch more funny videos

The Playoff Beard Follies: How To Fake A Playoff Beard - watch more funny videos

Ron Duguay re-invents air hockey

In an effort to liven an up an old gameroom favorite, Rangers legend and notorious coochie whisperer recently introduced his own line of Air Hockey tables.  The Ron Duguay Bone Zone Three-way Table Hockey System puts a new spin on air hockey, as the table is shaped like a vagina and requires a three-some instead of the customary head-to-head action.  Authentic Duguay-grade chest hair even pops up through the air holes when goals are scored, and the game paddles are actually edible (and come in three flavors: strawberry, cherry and Duguay).

Dugauy has also promised to conduct personal one-on-one home delivery of the tables in the New York Metro area from the hours of 10 AM - 4 PM Monday through Friday.  He just asks that customers put out the customary purple thong on the front door handle.

BREAKING: Skip Bayless turns into werewolf on live television

BRISTOL, CT -- Notorious face contortionist, Skip Bayless, has let the cat out of the bag and finally turned into a werewolf on live television.  The somewhat startling, but mostly predictable transformation took place this morning on ESPN's wildly fresh and never redundant program, "First Take," leaving the always squirrely Jay Crawford scampering for his imaginary notes and Tim "Legs" Legler with a "can you believe this shit?" look on his face.  Sources say Bayless "de-wolfed" when a a quick thinking ESPN intern named Darren changed the topic on the teleprompter from LeBron James to college lacrosse.

The Key to the Game and this very site is ... "SOMETHING"

Whenever we describe this site to people, we're often tempted to say it's a sports site about nothing, which is exactly what it's been as of late.  But in reality, it really wouldn't be proper to use that line even if we wanted to, for that line belongs to Jerry Cougar Mellencamp.  So alas, we're often left with saying it's a site about ... something.  Just like the key to last night's Angels-A's game was ... "SOMETHING." 

Sadly, or rather hilariously, the downtrodden season of Albert Pujols has apparently already manged to depress an otherwise zesty television producer to the point they've been completely zapped of ideas, in mid-May no less. 

Oh well.  Witnessing a performance less inspiring than that of living legend Wilson Betemit tends to do that to people.

[via Sebastian Pruiti, Martin Nau]

It's Game 7... Pau-jama Time!

Will Pau bounce back in Game 7 or will it be another tiwed and sweepy night for the Spaniard?

Rondo wears repulsive jacket, gets filmed in it, becomes cranky

Massive bonus points are in order for TNT's Ernie Johnson, who opened the embarrassing clip of cantankerous Rondo with the "hot under the collar" line.  That's about as close as you'll get to Ernie blatantly mocking a player, so soak it up while you can.  If you translated his comment to Charles Barkley bluntness, it would go something like, "that's a sweet orange collar, you inexcusable, unhinged jackass."

And we totally agree, that's a really cool jacket.  Looks like something Barbie might wear to the club in 1985.

[via TheBigLead]

Report: Albert Pujols now an awful baseball player

The portly Angels first baseman is batting .208 with 5 RBIs, zero home runs and a putrid OPS that would even make little Jason Tyner cry.  Cosmo Kramer's infamous words of "look away, I'm hideous" sound awfully poignant right about now.  Frankly, so does the word awfully.

On the bright side, there are only nine years remaining on Al B. Sure's deal.  Chin up, Angel fans.

[Photo via JoeSportsFan]

Bernice tops our 'Best Available' list

 

If NFL teams are looking for someone to plug the run, set the end, and wreak general havoc on opposing offenses, we suggest they look no further than South Beach Tow's breakout star Bernice. We don't care if her 40 time sucks, and she couldn't even complete the shuttle run. She tears the door off of a '95 Nissan Sentra like it was the seal on a can of Pringles.

In another clip you can see Bernice take out the trash at 5:30 minute mark. Imagine what she would do to a punk-ass left tackle trying to protect a 'B*tch' like Tom Brady. 

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Report: NASCAR's Kyle Busch is not impressed

We are not to pretend to know anything about NASCAR, but it is clear to us that Kyle Busch is not impressed. Not even being dressed up like a giant peanut M&M can cheer this guy up. 

 

[Photo via Yahoo]

 

Follow us on Twitter: @TheSportsHernia & @StopHamelTime

 

 

Rusty's un-holy grail

Our old pal Rusty Hardin was escorting his star client while holding his personal travel mug curiously far from his hip. That could only mean that Rusty's un-holy grail was filled with one of the following: 

- Clemens' replacement urine

- Mrs. Clemens' testosterone

- Muppet Semen

- A baby Mogwai

- His urine-scented dentures 

- A 1,000-year-old birth certificate that proves his real name is Oxidation Penis

- A mini yellow suit that his lookalike doll wears 

- His morning skinny formaldehyde latte

- Radish and cantaloupe infused Scotch

- Nicotine drip smoothie

- Little Jimmy Hoffa

- Original VHS tape from his acting debut in Genesis "Land of Confusion" video

 

[Photo via Yahoo]

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