The Sports Hernia Blog

Ben Franklin surprisingly showing allegiance to San Antonio

We're guessing this is just a short term thing and that if the Sixers were still alive in the playoffs, Mr. Franklin would certainly be in Philadelphia proudly rocking an Iguodala jersey and perhaps sporting some allegiance-confirming red locks. 

Drinking helmet likely to impair your sign-making ability

Shelley Duncan is constantly hearing the Undertaker's music

"What the hell?  Good god, tha... that's the Undertakers music!!"

All those other times A-Rod fainted

The news of A-Rod's fainting episode during the birth of his first daughter didn't exactly come as much of a surprise to anyone, but it gave us an opportunity to delve into other feeble moments that have caused the Yankee third baseman to pass out.

- The first three times Jeter said he couldn't have dinner with him.

- That time he saw Wang's wang.

- That time he saw Zimmer's wang.

- When he found out his new bronzer would be in Sephora.

- During the final scene of Grease.

- At the beginning of Howard the Duck.

- When he found out Scott Boras is actually Adam West.

- The first time he saw "Rent".

- After a delicate ray of light reflected off his newly waxed bat.

- Every time he's up with runners on base in the playoffs.

- After he found out Billy Ripken's bat said 'fuckface'.

- When Manny said he prefers Prell above all leading brands.

Alex Rodriguez passed out during birth of his first daughter (New York Daily News)

Mike Brown caught impersonating NBA head coach

We imagine Cleveland fans will be relieved to know it was all just a big joke.

Kirilenko applies agonizing death claw to Pau Gasol

Andrei Kirilenko seizes the oppurtunity and sinks his nails into Pau Gasol's leg while an alert Mehmet Okur screens the ref.  Not pictured here are Gasol's sneakers, which were on fire at the time.

As you can see, Gasol would continue to be in considerable pain for the majority of the night.  Sadly, what you can't see here is that his index and middle fingers are lodged inside the basketball, as Paul Millsap takes him for the unfortunate ride.

Kobe receives NBA's 'Real American' award

Known vitamin addict Kobe Bryant gladly accepts the coveted and highly respected 'Real American' award from what appears to be a pelican version of David Stern.

Cue the music....

Canseco: "I injected Eight Belles in the ass with 'roids"

(ELMURS HEADQUARTERS, KY) -- Minutes after the trainer for Eight Belles vehemently denied any steroid use with his horse, Jose Canseco blew the lid off the horse racing industry with claims that he injected Eight Belles, among other horses, in the ass with steroids "multiple times" prior to the Derby, while also insinuating he had some dirt on Barbaro.

"Oh yeah, I injected Eight Belles in the ass numerous times," explained Canseco during an impromptu press conference at a San Fernando Valley Taco Bell.  "HGH, anabolic steroids, creatine, Fun Dip, you name it.  'Belles was a real junkie for the stuff, this is no secret.  We had a good friendship though, that horse was always messing around and quick with a joke, this loss is a real tragedy."

Canseco also revealed he had his own motives for Eight Belles success.  "Honestly, I wanted him to be bigger than Barbaro, who was just a giant phony.  When Barbaro and I trained at the same Gold's Gym a few years back, he was always asking me about how I got so big and where he could get some HGH.  So one day I invited him over to my house and I catch him trying to fuck my wife!  But, he was everybody's golden boy, I wasn't going to come out with that stuff last year unless he won the Triple Crown."

Canseco went on to recount some tales of his days with the A's when he, Mark McGwire and Sunday Silence would have steroid and Beefarino-fueled orgies with strippers and notoriously loose mares.

Mariotti loses points, mind on Around the Horn

Every sports fan's favorite Chicago area scribe Jay Mariotti melted down on ESPN's Around the Horn Tuesday night after losing several points for revealing the bacon cheeseburger he held in his hand was in fact, "the sexiest thing he's talked to all day."

Mariotti continued to lose points after an awkward attempt at imitating the heralded Vlasic Pickle voice sounded more like Tom Arnold undergoing a colonoscopy. 

Morgan Ensberg still asking self why he didn't shave for three weeks

(click to enlarge)

The only logical explanation behind this picture is that Morgan Ensberg, much like us, greatly misses Peter Vecsey's old look and this is some sort of rally cry for him to grow the beard back.

Tom Brady taking Spygate a bit too literally

We know PETA is already too busy courageously going after the jockey for Eight Belles, but, according to reports, 4-1/2 baby Orcas were killed for Brady to look this stunningly smarmy.

The Roundup: Tom Brady’s New Haircut (The Big Lead)
Tom and Gisele (Pop Sugar)

Jason Taylor surprisingly not in WWE yet

The only shocking thing about Jason Taylor on Dancing With The Stars is that he hasn't been contacted by Vince McMahon or any of his associates yet.  Not even a jackhammer by Goldberg himself could be executed with such crisp precision as exhibited here by Taylor.

As if pummeling the helpless Edyta with that all-pro jackhammer wasn't enough, the mercenary makes a complete mockery of the evening by doing the Red Rooster strut around her carcass.

*****

The Jason Taylor chronicles:

Jason Taylor dazzles on Figure Skating With The Stars
Plastic Man crashes set of Dancing With The Stars
Jason Taylor continues to dismantle dance partner
Jason Taylor continues to dance, anger Neil's father from Dead Poet's Society

The light at the end of the tunnel is clearly Barry Melrose

It's possible the setup in the studio might have something to do with this, but we're pretty convinced that this glow, this ray of hope you see, follows ESPN hockey analyst Barry Melrose wherever he goes.  This magical light that floats around him like friendly clouds is only rivaled by the likes of Elaine's ex, the Wiz.

Who else could get away with a shirt/tie combination that looks like it should be worn by the person in charge of final negotiations before entering hell?   

The expression says it all, he might be the only guy to successfully grab the "I'm Keith Hernandez" torch and carry it proudly while maintaining it's vaunted flame.  It's no wonder wherever this guy walks, a parade of flying panties follow him like a spastic school of kissing fish.

The hair?  Transcendent.  If there's a sports wax figure museum, we suspect Barry's hair would be among the first items on the list to go in. 

Melky morphs into Beavis after slumping Cano hits HR

We believe the correct translation is, "Sí, sí, sí, fuego, fuego, fuego!"

Big Brown wins derby, crazy sweaty guy really happy

One question, why isn't this guy hosting Family Feud?

Big Brown wins Kentucky Derby (Bloomberg)

Report: There is no hope

In the wake of the disturbing Marvin Harrison news coming from ESPN, the optimistic sports fan has to be in a distraught state of mind, scrambling for answers.  We'd certainly love to put them at ease, but we'd rather brace them for what's next.

Here's a look ahead for other seemingly straight-laced sports figures:

• Grant Hill strangles stripper to death
• David Wright shoots up school playground
• Dick Vermeil repeatedly kicks little boy for crying
• Derek Jeter slams Bob Sheppard over the head with Duggan's 2' x 4'
• Eli Manning caught taking dump on homeless man
• Joe Torre hijacks handicap school bus
• Tony Dungy shoots neighbor's cat
• Steve Kerr vandalizes Bloomingdales
• Yao Ming lights dog on fire after tough loss
• Dikembe Mutombo litters on entire country
• John Wooden implicated in drive-by shooting
• Mo Cheeks lead suspect in Hot 97 radio station stabbing
• John Stockton gives child violent wedgie for wearing baggie shorts
• Mike Gminski beats paper boy with sock full of quarters
• Hideki Matsui attacks officer and gallops away on police horse
• Warrick Dunn shanks stripper at Cheetah Club
• Derek Fisher's fists put birthday clown in hospital
• Hubie Brown burglarizes home of TNT producer
• David Ortiz beats teen as part of gang initiation
• Andy Pettitte goes on church burning spree

Breakthrough hats at the Kentucky Derby

1. The Decapitated Horse Hat -- The horse that freaked out after getting hit with the golf ball in Animal House is memorialized here in this graceful, outfit accenting horse hat.  But be wary of leaning down to pet a dog while wearing this hat, as it's likely to cause an uncomfortable stand-off.

As you can see, it also works best when worn by someone with a horseface (Jessica Simpson, we're looking at you).

***

2. The Stepford Wives Sombrero -- This monstrosity has been a staple for years.  Other than it being incredibly stupid, not much pertinent history here.

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3. The Giant Clusterf*ck -- Originally a futon that fit three people comfortably, this cookies 'n cream head weight will make you hate yourself the morning after. 

See that scarf she's wearing?  It's actually a neck brace that is required to support that monstrosity atop her dome.

***

Jimmy Rollins to return from DL as Sisqó

His new entrance music will obviously be this.

Resilient white fans continue quest for that high five to be proud of

Guys, a few quick pointers here, and this isn't coming from a high five connoisseur, in fact it's not even coming from someone who partakes in regular high five pandemonium.  But let's be honest, it shouldn't look this painful.

1.  Don't close your eyes.  Closing your eyes as if someone is about to give you a wedgie prevents you from seeing the other hand of the person you're trying to mimic that Bud Light moment with, leading to a wounded propeller motion from both parties involved, and the inevitable shower of pretzel bits thrown by those seated around you.

2.  Don't flinch.  From what we've observed, the slightest flinch can greatly alter the course of a high five and in some cases, throw you completely off balance, forcing those surrounding you into that compromising position of whether they should, a) help you regain your balance, or b) continue to enjoy your amusing downfall.  Also, there's no reason whatsoever to flinch unless you sucked at dodge ball.

3.  Don't flinch and close your eyes.  This combination is what most would consider a complete disgrace.  Unless there's a family of bats suddenly swooping through your row or that third sausage and peppers is angrily trying to squeeze it's way out after you let one go, there's really no excuse for it.