(LOS ANGELES, CA) -- After months of extensive research, NBA doctors and independent scientists believe Chris Kaman's nuts have mysterious magnetic powers, or "magnet balls." The condition is extremely rare but not terribly uncommon amongst NBA players (Wilt Chamberlain, Dan Marjele and Sam Cassell suffered from the same affliction).
Kaman's nuts, which first burst onto the scene a year ago when Reggie Evans grabbed them during a game, were at it again last week. Chicago's Ben Gordon was driving to the basket when he suddenly lost control of his body and violently slammed his face into Kaman's undoubtably horrifying testicles. After several minutes, a few teammates were able to pry Gordon's face from Kaman's balls, thankfully avoiding a intervention with the jaws of life.
As for what causes magnet balls, no one knows. However, league officials have forced Kaman to wear an iron plated cup until further research is done.