(BRISTOL, CT) -- Viewers across the nation were stunned yesterday after both SportsCenter anchors doing the 11p.m. show went an entire 30 seconds without making a horrible joke or doing a shitty impression, the longest such drought since a 1988 broadcast that was hosted by wild man Bob Ley and Robin Roberts. ESPN big wigs watching at home and behind the cameras quickly shat their Dockers when they realized what had just happened and immediately called an emergency meeting as producers quickly cut to a rapid-fire loop of non-stop Stuart Scott "Boo-yas!!".
Fearing they would lose the crucial "9 to 17 year old/ A.D.D./ SlimJim/ scrotum waxing/moron" market segment if more hi-lights accompanied by relevant statistics were actually shown, execs were left scrambling for something to stop the bleeding. After initially discussing an idea involving a simultaneous split-screen that would show a man getting kicked in the nuts repetitively throughout the entire show, they finally agreed on just bringing in a new, edgier anchor. While names like Carrot Top, Dane Cook, Carlos Mencia and 'that sound effects dude from Police Academy' were bandied about, in the end they settled on former SNL journeyman-spazz Jim Breuer. Clearly excited for his first show, Breuer made himself at home, dressing in his legendary "GoatBoy" costume and sporadically trying to suck on Linda Cohen's nipples between NBA playoff hi-lights.
Sources would not confirm if ESPN had indeed contacted Jim Carrey about a possible guest spot where he would host the entire show doing his talking anus routine.