Editor's note: last year we were a remarkable 30 for 30 with our picks forcing Chad Ford to flee to the hills of Hawaii and sulk for weeks.
1. Blazers - Multiple player deal
The Fat: In the biggest draft day package deal of all time, the Portland Trailblazers trade their entire roster to draft Greg Oden and Mike Conley Jr., along with the players' relatives, Mike Conley Sr., Kermit the Frog, Eli Roth, Ja Rule, The Thing, Treebeard, Abe Lincoln and that bum on 34th and 9th.
The Fat: Hometown boy makes good story here. Very Elusive. But can disappear for long stretches of the season. Been working out with Danny Schayes after being introduced by barber.
The Fat: Despite the understanding Bradley Jr. will be taking a 30-year Mormon mission before suiting up in the NBA, scouts for the Hawks have been drooling ever since laying eyes on his razor sharp elbows. Concerns over his degenerating hips and getting thrown into the stands by power forwards weren’t enough to sway the Hawks away from this stud at #3.
The Fat: The first foreigner taken in the draft, the Grizzlies select Some Dude from Europe.
The Fat: Ainge gets his man here at no. 5. Can spot up for three like it's nobodies business and Ainge loves his brain type. May struggle in transition and with his lateral defense, but has recently been working out at Tim Grover's Attack gym in Chicago.
The Fat: No nonsense coach Larry Kryskowiak brings a new attitude
to the hapless Bucks and what better way to send a bold message to the
league than by draping a giant snake over the shoulders of Andrew Bogut? If
Ravishing Rick Rude never stood a chance, neither does the rest of the East.
Fantastic move here by
The Fat: Kevin McHale continues his hot draft streak by inexplicably giving up his first round pick in exchange for the league allowing them to change their name to the Minnesota Armpit Hair.
The Fat: Team prez Michael Jordan loses his pick to the Charleston Lowgators of the NBDL. Sources say the pick was lost while playing a high-stakes game of craps with Lowgators team owner Mitch Cumstein at a recent Kelly Tripucka pool party. Cumstein turns the tables and drafts Jordan himself in a cruel twist of fate.
The Fat: Stock soared after measurements taken at combine. He's LONG, with the wingspan of, well, a condor. He can fly in transition and is an early favorite for the dunk contest. Needs to work on lower body strength, obviously. Some concern over character after he nearly pecked a nurse's face off while taking physical.
The Fat: Sitting high in their bejeweled war room tower, the Kings brass pass up on Prince Paul, Queen Latifah, Prince Fielder and Prince Wesley to go for the real thing. This 5'3" magician can do it all: post up with force, shoot the three with ease, pass with beauty and hump the basketball with fury. Rumor has it other GMs will pass up on Prince over worries that the pint-sized sexpot would be too much of a distraction for his own teammates.
The Fat: Many scouts baffled they're not thinking swingman here, but sources say the Hawks plan on using a backcourt of Beet and Anthony Johnson that could cause major confusion for opposing defenses.
The Fat: This is a Billy King pick. Pessimists will say it's strictly a move to spike dwindling attendance numbers, but scouts in the know tell me the Chicken has game and is a nightmare to get around in the pick and roll game. “Not terribly long,” gushed one scout, “but he's THICK. Great motor too." Team insiders have quietly expressed concern about his focus of defense and playing to the crowd too much.
The Fat: The Hornets catch a bad case of Euro-fever from Memphis. Someone's getting canned for this pick.
The Fat: This years bad boy, Lodge lost years of draft eligibility after serving a 10 year suspension for stealing a Girls Gone Wild bus and crashing it directly into the Orlando Magic's team charter plane. At the time, Lodge was supposed to be participating at a pre-draft work-out to cement his place in the top 5 of the '96 draft, yet the notorious boob juggler remains unapologetic and refuses to look back.
The Fat: Pistons strike gold here with rumored brother of O.J. Mayo, Sunny D. Mustard.
The Fat: With a team full of chuckers, the Wizards come away with a steal here at no. 16. The ball will then likely vow to exact revenge on every single team that passed him up.
The Fat: GM Rod Thorn plucks Walnuts here to toughen up a soft team. Some analysts say this is the grand larceny of the draft, while others worry whether the combustible Walnuts will take any lip from head coach Lawrence Frank, who is neither a capo nor a made guy. Positives: Let's just say Dick Bavetta and Joey Crawford owe him a few. Already owns Nets warm-up sweat-suit.
The Fat: Yet another Don Nelson big man project. Loves the 3-ball but won't hesitate to mix it up inside. Sources say Nelson ran a private workout with Treebeard in Helm's Deep in which the 70-foot tree totally dismantled a frustrated Adonal Foyle. Some concerns about his age (636 elf years), lateral quickness and ability to avoid the jumbotron, but can be a real match-up NIGHTMARE.
The Fat: Initially thinking mice here to appease Black Mamba, cooler heads prevailed as Laker brass voted in favor of local hero Frankie Muniz. Despite his stock plummeting after lapsing into a 5 week coma while trying to take a charge on Ice Cube in the Entertainer's League, The Zen Master was won over by his composure years ago while getting Punk'd.
The Fat: Miami nabs the Humidity here at no. 20, because as we all know, it's not the Heat, it's the Humidity.
The Fat: Toss up here, it's either Weeds star Kevin Nealon or rising stud Claude Gminski, son of former Sixer legend Mike Gminski. No question the Sixers are riding a hot streak of sizzling white big men they've reeled off the past two decades. Starting with memorable forces like Kurt Nimphius and Bob Thorton to living legends like Shawn Bradley and Todd McCullough, whoever they pick here is surely guaranteed to have Philly absolutely buzzing on draft night, most likely from alcohol.
The Fat: Sources say "The Neck" is the only mortal lock in the draft. DiLorenzo, a craps dealer from Vegas, is said to have won a private bet with Jordan on one of his late night "scouting trips" to the Vegas Summer League last year.
The Fat: The Knicks take a pile of shit here just to let their fans know, yes, it can get worse.
The Fat: Jerry Colangelo nabs former castmate from the Dark Crystal, Skeksis here to be an enforcer. Legend has it this king of the ugly stick flattened the director multiple times over creative differences and ongoing jokes about Colangelo not needing to wear make-up.
The Fat: Predictable pick here for the Jazz. Those Al Sharpton rumors were simply that, just rumors.
The Fat: Some scouts have giggled at this talk, but the former boxer has been a workout wonder. His lively facial expressions and impatience for almost everything might draw the ire of league officials, but he may prove to be a great compliment to the stoic Yao. Overseas he drew an astounding 68 technical fouls for his patented eye-brow raising reaction to calls. Think Rasheed Wallace with an Oakley uppercut.
The Fat: Due to sheer pandemonium in the crowd after spotting Sloth raising hell in the balcony seats, a confused David Stern allows the Pistons to escape with two picks here. This Duo of rookies will bring size, slow the game down to a snails pace and most importantly make them the ugliest team in history.
The Fat: With almost no holes to fill and the unexpected gang rape of the Spurs mascot 'Coyote', the Spurs ignite their fanbase and themselves by drafting Debbie Downer, kindred spirit of Tim Duncan.
The Fat: Bit of a reach here but the Suns need bodies and well, Giant Gonzalez has one. Following rumblings after his last workout that he was actually wearing a full bodysuit with painted fake muscles, his agent laughed off the accusations, suggesting no one would dare try that after Duane Schintzius's failed stunt in 1993.
The Fat: This years mystery man. One Eastern confrence GM confided with us that no one has actually seen Chubbs play in person, but scouts were buzzing after some highlights of a game he played in for a team called the Beavers leaked onto the web. The film shows evidence of a deadly hook shot, clutch foul shooting and some bone crunching picks. Think Bill Laimbeer with better hair.