8:01 - Audience members in the first three rows simultaneously vomit at first sight of the team hats being used this year.
8:07 - 5'3" David Stern greets 7-foot Greg Oden with a hug, inadvertently getting to 3rd base with the new Portland Trailblazer.
8:09 - David Stern comes to the podium to introduce the 2nd pick smoking a cigarette as a mustache instantly grows on his face.
8:14 - Ahmad Rashad is spotted asking unidentified female intern, "so, do you like stuff?"
8:23 - After an attempted fistbump is deemed offensive, Yi Jialin promptly puts Stu Scott into a vicious sleeper hold as the crowd erupts into a frenzy.
8:36 - Craig Sager and Jakim Noah are rushed to the hospital after a rogue NY Jets fan dumps a beer on the two as they shake hands. The sparks were set off by Sager's controversial 5,000 volt 'pink flamingo' strobe light suit.
8:49 - Stephen A. Smith argues vehemently with Greg Anthony about what is cheesier - cheeze doodles, cheesy puffs or his entire persona.
8:50 - Greg Anthony puts on earmuffs.
9:15 - Stu Scott pops 15th awkward boner of the night during interview with Spencer Hawes.
9:18 - Bill Simmons jokes about being electro shocked by his editors in draft diary.
9:28 - David Stern stolls to podium with the Bobcats pick: "With the 8th pick the Charlotte Bobcats would like to select, anyone, is there anyone out there that can play basketball? Sir, in the NY Giants jersey, can you play basketball? How about you sir, in the Red Sox Suck t-shirt, if you can dribble a basketball, the Bobcats would like to select you."
9:35 - Feeling left out, Peter Vecsey swings onto the draft panel from a nearby curtain and swoops up Stephen A's bag of cheese doodles.
9:51 - Camera pans to the green room where a shattered Tiago Splitter is being comforted by a sensual Chad Fraud back massage.
10:12 - A baffled Craig Sager can't figure out why the wont let him lick his microphone like an ice cream cone.
10:19 - David Stern looks on with concern as Al Horford strolls to the podium with new manager, Slick.
10:31 - Mateen Cleaves gets mentioned, the entire panel weeps.
10:39 - Stuart Scott starts speaking fake-jive to Marco Bellinelli before producers inform him he is from Italy. Stu then talks in his native white suburban tongue.
10:43 - ESPN pans to a giddy Macje Lampe who appears to have started a congo line in the balcony section.
10:56 - Tim Legler, in baby voice, begins shouting "I can't see you, I can't see you" every time Stephen A. begins speaking.
11:04 - Duke forward and future stiff Josh McRoberts is drafted 28th overall, but fails to make it up to the podium because an over-zealous Duke Vitale is humping his leg.
11:07 - A visibly drunk and obviously confused Steve Phillips stumbles into draft with lipstick all over his collar.
11:12 - Russ Granick appears from behind the curtain to begin Round 2 riding roller skates and casually flipping the bird to the crowd.
12:01 - Camera's pan to an anxious Taj McDavid and Lenny Cooke in the Burger King green room across the street.