Ooooh, look at the goofy, white basketball player. Did you know that Bird was a "heady, scrappy player" and that Magic was "very athletic"? I'm surprised his sneakers are tied.
We're pretty sure that's supposed to be a mustache in there wedged under his nose but it really looks like Bird had one of his moments and got all cocky on Chuck Person again. Right before this sketch he probably consumed a hot dog covered in mustard while simultaneously draining a three right in the Rifleman's face, and we're now just seeing the remnants of it as it's beginning to drip down to his chin.
Regardless, we are all happy the mustardstache is there because the artist has rendered Bird with no upper lip - take that 'stache away and there's a nose and teeth.
It's no surprise Bird, who was always concerned with his looks, found time in his busy schedule to shave his legs and arms completely bald before posing.
You can tell this shirt is a caricature and not a real picture by Bird's shorts, they are faaaar too long, making this image totally unrealistic and ridiculous.
This shirt would be great if instead of Jim Kelly it said David Klingler, Mike McMahon or O'Reilly from Oz, because this doesn't look anything like Jim Kelly. Where's the stringy, crazed-looking, combover hair that says "I haven't won it yet and yes, I'm stressed about it"? If anything, we'd prefer a shirt of his old Crocket stand-in look.
What exactly is going on here, did his crotch explode? Why is there smoke coming out of it? Did he eat wings that day? Did Scott Norwood finally do something crazy? And why does he have Mike Miller's eyebrows?
The tiny black figures with no faces that are crawling all over his skin are even more puzzling. Are they football players? Ninjas? Cat burglars? Hamburglars?! Are they supposed to signify his paranoia that he might never win? Do they represent every team from the NFC that beat him in the Super Bowl? Did he collect dolls or something? Was this some whacked cross-promotion for the movie "The Gate"? There's even a figure jumping off of him to attack his name and another one jumping out of his ear.
That football in is hand looks more like a giant burger bun. The artist clearly either hated Jim Kelly or simply thought he had severe mental problems. Or he was just hungry like we are since this is the second burger reference.
Where do we even begin? Since this isn't the Original Dream Team, let's begin with who the hell everyone is on this shirt. Starting with the back row, left to right, is Bubba Paris, Tim McKyer, Steve Young; middle row is John Taylor, Roger Craig, Joe Montana, Ronnie Lott, Eric Wright; and front row is Tom Rathman, Michael Carter, Mike Cofer and Charles Haley.
For starters, where the hell is Jerry Rice? This was the 55-10 rout of the Broncos where Rice spent the majority of the game wide open in the endzone like it was some kind of meaningless, unimportant scrimmage that only he was taking seriously. And this was 17 years before he had his mid-life crisis and got served by Nick Lachey's brother, so surely he wasn't dancing.
The inclusion of sleepy caveman-looking kicker Mike Cofer (#6), who could have watched the game from home and had the same impact, is as puzzling as Rice's absence. The fact we remembered Cofer's name without looking it up is even more puzzling. And his clown-balloon pointer finger is just plain creepy.
Even when drawn as a cartoon with a giant head and tiny frame, Charles Haley still manages to scare the shit out of all of us. On the other hand, Bubba Paris looks as happy as ever in the top row, most likely because he thinks HBO will never cancel 1st and 10.
Note that Rathman and Carter are in mid-handslap here, displaying tremendous racial harmony. All thats missing is the black and white cookie.
The most amazing of all might be Steve Young in the top right corner. While it might have been awkward enough to have to pose for the sketch as the back-up QB, it had to have been even more embarrassing that he turned out looking like Butthead's lost brother. He also looks a lot like this turdburlgar.
Finally, through all the wear and tear this shirt has gone through, Montana and his perfectly feathered mane simply refuse to go gray.
Part 3 coming soon...