The Hernia's 2nd Annual NFL Preview
With the 2007 football season set to begin tonight in Indy as Peyton Manning and his gigantic billboard forehead get ready for the Saints, Hernia sources have once again scoured the nation to find the juiciest tidbits on all your favorite, enormously crappy teams...
Philadelphia Eagles
You call that a beard Donovan? Baron Davis owns you.
The Eagles defense should be impressive this year with Jevon Kearse and Takeo Spikes in the fold, both poised to tear their ACLs by Week 5. And with every single football preview predicting Reggie Brown to have a breakout season this year, look for him to be absolutely awful and suffer a gruesome injury by October.
Good news: Most 30-year old QBs who rely on their elusiveness, coming off two consecutive years of suffering a sports hernia (YES!) and torn ACL, rebound to be better than ever…ehhh..uhh.
Bad news: Donovan McNabb’s beard, which used to look like a raging bee’s nest, now looks like unimpressive stubble after Baron Davis viciously unleashed his beard on the sports world.
New York Giants
Raging pterodactyl Tom Coughlin amazingly returns for yet another season, even after the entire roster took turns throwing him under the bus last year (more times than not, a Girls Gone Wild bus driven by Jeremy Shockey). Tiki Barber has retired, leaving behind a gaping hole in the running back, blinding teeth and awkward ass slapping categories.
Good news: While Barber may be gone, it’s always a positive sign when your new starting running back, Brandon Jacobs, uses 45-pound weight as a breath mint and runs a 4.4.
Bad news: Eli Manning continues to have the body language of a gawky teenage girl about to get clotheslined by Magnus Van Magnerson. Even worse, his hair still looks like his mom combed it right before he ran outside to catch the bus.
