NBA offseason workout routines
Mutombo laughs it up last year shortly after turning the basketball into a cookie.
With NBA training camps opening and the season nearly upon us, we decided to take a quick look at the off-season to see who's been working out the hardest (read: weirdest) and what it is that these players, and in some cases referees, do to get prepared for the season ahead.
Dikembe Mutombo
10am: Shop for Industrial Strength tube socks
11am: Cause earthquake with outrageous laugh
12pm: Marketing meeting with Chips Ahoy
1pm: Release dis song about Cookie Monster
2pm: Dunk planet Earth
3pm: Reject moon from orbit and wave finger
4pm: Proudly fold arms in admiration of it all
Kobe Bryant
9am: Ask self for autograph
10am: Take Michael Jordan speech inflection classes
12pm: Stick out jaw, practice Jordan fist pump
1pm: Shop on Rodeo Drive, buy wife's love
4pm: Have conversation with own penis
5pm: Scour eBay for used Jordan underwear
Grant Hill
7am: Bubble tape knees and ankles
2pm: Practice in custom-made pillow enclosed room with Nerf (TM) hoop
2:21pm: Put muscles through paper shredder
2:30pm: Have random leg surgery
5:30-11pm: Freeze legs with carbonite
11pm: Count money
Joey Crawford
5am: Shave head
6am: T' up wife for bland breakfast
7am: Arm wrestle Jake O'Donnell
9am: Play with Hogan and Savage dolls
11am: Threaten and curse at smiling Tim Duncan FatHead
12pm: T' up wife for horrible lunch
Allen Iverson
6am: Go to bed
7am: Wake up, eat 16 burritos
8am: Instruct hair stylist to create backgammon board with cornrows
9am: Tattoo caricature of Pat Croce on ass
10am: Install PS2 into basketball, play video games while "practicing"
12pm: Smoke small country
Stephon Marbury
10am: Donate a million dollars to worthy charity; make difference in children's lives
11am: Take crazy pills
11:21am: Dance in underwear on Bruce Beck's lawn
12pm: Put on Bobby Cremins wig
1pm: Allow brother Zach
to decorate him with Christmas ornaments
5pm: Ride sleigh to psychiatrist's office
6pm: Eat Super Mario's Mushroom
Andres Nocioni
9am: Hunt down boar in woods with bare hands, eat it
9:15am: Wash boar down with gasoline/Monster energy drink mix
10am: Enter Thai kickboxing tournament
12pm: Chokeslam a school bus
1pm: Stare Scott Skiles directly in the eyes
2pm: Look for Laimbeer inside Street Fighter
Latrell Sprewell
2pm: Wake up
3:30pm: Wonder if family has eaten yet
3:31pm: Call agent to find out if any teams have called
3:32pm: Go to strip joint
6:00pm: Still wondering if family has been fed, steals Violet's tips
7:00pm: Arrive home with three crave cases from White Castle
8:00pm: Look at picture of yacht while humming theme to Gilligan's Island
8:15pm: Choke PJ bobblehead
8:30pm: Head back to strip club without providing family with dessert
10:30pm: Check bank statement online, pass out in depression
Scot Pollard
9am: Wake up, own nails black, paint dog's nails purple
10am: Ride flamingo around backyard
12pm: Watch friends play XBox, wave towel on couch
1pm: Trade dresses with Rodman
5pm: Turn on TV to find out new team
12am: Look to the heavens with arms stretched and bellow "When?! When will I be chosen?!!"
Phil Jackson
9am: Wake up. Put on Big Chief Trangle head-dress and do naked heat yoga with old friend 'Walks With Shoulderpads'
12pm: Go to coffee house, place copy of "Penthouse Letters" inside cover of the Illiad
2pm: Feed mysterious pet condor
3pm: Neatly trim flaver saver
4pm: Take shower, arrogantly get back into bed with Jeannie doing Antoine's shoulder shimmy
Chris Kaman
8am: Meet Smeagle at the creek for some breakfast fish
9am: Shower with unused fish parts
10am: Play Cowboys and Indians with childhood friends
12pm: Eat basketball
12:01pm: Viciously berate self in mirror
3pm: Take himself for a walk
4pm: Blast Andrew W.K. anthology
7pm-?: Rebound
Dick Bavetta
6am: Wake up under tanning bed with anonymous Playboy bunny
7am: Race middle-aged overweight garbage man and lose
8am: Wake up other anonymous Playboy bunny
11am: Prank Stern at home
12pm: Spar with Shawn Bradley
1pm: Strawberry picking with Steve Javie
