It's only a week into the NBA season but it's painfully clear this pile of crap needs some fixin'. In no particular order, here are the 31 things that must be done to save the disaster that is the NBA, both on the court and in the stands.
- Replace all coaches with managers from the WWF (we're talkin' to you Slick & Paul Bearer).
- Whatever team finishes with the worst record has to wear John Stockton sized shorts (includes coach).
- Team with the best record gets one-year unlimited access to the Gold Club (as if they don't have it already).
- Replace all refs with the respectable refs from G.L.O.W.
- Instead of the cheerleaders, let fans have control of the shirt rockets throughout the entire game.
- Since there is more movement without the ball in a wheelchair basketball game, give the players actual wheelchairs.
- The four worst teams get their draft picks selected by Scott Layden, Michael Jordan, Philadelphia Eagles fans and your mom.
- Replace the current Hawks with a roster team made up entirely of mascots led by the Phoenix Gorilla.
- Just take the three-point line and hang yourself.
- Include trap door at free throw line for any airballs tossed up.
- Mic up Dikembe Mutombo for every single game, including ones that don't involve the Rockets.
- For every player and coach that talks about being a "defensive team," shoot them in the face with a Gotcha gun.
- Make each seat on the bench "ejection-capable" in case anyone who isn't playing forgets to wear a suit, or more importantly if anyone has Oliver Miller-like gas.
- Clone Marv Albert and make him announce every game.
- Allow the Gazoo to braid Iverson's hair while he's playing.
- Once a week, a game must be played inside Thunderdome.
- Here's an idea! Shove those thunder sticks up your ass.
- Bring. Back. CHAMBERS.
- Bring. Back. BOL.
- Make all rules exactly the same as MTVs Rock n' Jock game (including 20-foot rim shots worth 15 douche-points).
- Fans that talk on cell phones during Knicks home games must sit on Jim Dolan's lap for the rest of the year.
- Have Axl Rose referee the Finals.
- Here's another idea! Turn the f'ing music off when the game is in progress.
- Award 5 bonus points to team who knocks out Doug Collins with Oakley-esque "loose ball dive."
- Make it legal for as many as eight players on the floor at one time, as long as the three extras are on someone's shoulders.
- Make Mutombo wear dual foam fingers for an entire game and see if his patented finger wave touches the jumbotron.
- Hold all pregame and halftime shows from Bill Walton's tee-pee.
- Hide all rumored trade scenarios in Peter Vecsey's ex-beard.
- Allow retired Dell Curry to shoot threes from the stands.
- Make it mandatory for all awkward centers under 240lbs. to wear roller skates.
- In lieu of the standard boring tip-off, have a limbo contest with each team's tallest player.
- Instead of having anyone on ESPN's Fastbreak actually talk, have John Tesh vigorously play the old NBC theme music for hours upon hours.
