It’s that time of year again. Time for you to attend your painful office holiday party or – God help you – get dragged to one by your girlfriend. In order to prepare you for this soul-sucking dickdance, the SportsHernia presents some sports clichés/topics you can expect to hear this year:
"Anyone hear the Twins might trade Tito Santana?"
-- Bob Walls, tech department
"I tell you what they should do. The Bears should just snap the ball right to Hester! Or have Rex kick it to him in the backfield!"
-- Bill Scwartzkoffski in the warehouse
"No, for reals, believe me: King James will average a triple-double this year."
-- Some dick who actually refers to LeBron as "King James”
"You guys seen this Sunny D. Ketchup guy play on USC yet? He can ball!"
-- Harold Shankter, President
"You mean Fresca Mustard, right? That guy is nasty."
--Bob Sniperpits, traffic
"No, no, no... You guys are talking about Kool-aid Veggie Spread."
--John Fitzgerald, Account Supervisor
"Now that Bonds is gone, maybe I can start rooting for the Giants again."
-- Phil in wardrobe
"Scott Brosius is the worst agent in baseball, that guy might be the devil."
-- Bernie Wingo, appliances
"I just love Dwayne Wayne, he's awesome."
-- Ted Debokowski, general ass tickler
"You know that Eli's real name is Elisha? Figures."
-- Jimmy Denunzio in sales
"How about LenDale this year? Looks like the Saints picked the wrong Trojan, am I right fellas?!"
-- Cleetus Marmaheim, human resources
"I'd watch pro basketball more, but the league is just filled with thugs."
-- Tyler Farrish, Bunny's husband
"Hey, you ever hear Chris Berman do those nicknames? Those are great."
-- Kyle Penile, marketing
"So you hear they blocked us from going on to CursedCleveland? What, never heard of it?"
-- Todd Rolbins, the newfound Browns fan in accounting
"The Boston 3Party put up a combined 89 last night. I'm serious. The PGA pulled down 33 rebounds too. Yeah, the TruthRay-RayTicket shot like 60 percent. Uh-huh. Pieralnet went off…"
-- Some fucking doucheroll who thinks SportCenter anchors are witty and is also trying to come up with his own name for Allen, Garnett and Pierce.
"How 'bout that Tom Brady fella? Some hair, huh?"
-- Cindy Whorehouse, admin.
"I like Inside Stuff because I generally like all things stuff."
-- Gabe Retardowitz, broker
"Hey, anyone got dibs on boning that new intern?"
-- Mark Chmura
"Stop laughing. I do play baseball. I have a World Series ring"
-- Little David Eckstein, mailroom
"If you guys don't stop making fun of me, I will spastically start throwing punches. Seriously, I flagrant fouled the Mailman once."
-- Shawn Bradley, receptionist
"Oh hey, you're here to pick up your son Billy, right?"
-- Shawn Kemp, day-care center