Getting to know Rusty Hardin
I know we're not alone here, so let's get to know the always gracefully yellow, Rusty Hardin.
Height: 5'9" (6'8" when speaking from podium)
Weight: 7 cinder blocks
Hair: Wooden
College: Cliff Notes dipped in whiskey
Comparable person in sports: Jerry Jones sans teeth whitening.
Career changing moment: When he won the job of becoming Clemens' lead lawyer after successfully writing an entire legal contract using only a baby back rib.
Career highlights/lowlights
- First lawyer to wear hunting gear in courtroom.
- First lawyer to offer whiskey to juror during closing arguments.
- Once hid key evidence in his cleavage.
- Was once sued by his own comb-over.
- Successfully defended Yosemite Sam a whopping 456 times in court, among other high profile celebrity cartoon clients.
- Made it to Hollywood on first American Idol with rousing rendition of "Are you ready for some football?"
- Gained notoriety for successfully defending popular grocery chain Piggly Wiggly after they sold month old 'jumbo gulf shrimp as is', resulting in the disgusting diarrhea outbreak of '01.
Interesting facts
- Invented the briefcase phone and still defiantly uses one.
- Used to date Woody Paige.
- Hates Erin Brockovich.
- Sues himself when he's bored.
- Owns 106 ties in various shades of urine.
- Managed Buddy Garrity in the WWF from 1984-1989.
- Chanted "Let. Them. Play!" at the Astrodome.
- Drank what was left in that Miller Lite can McNamee submitted to Congress.
- Commonly mistakes own teeth for pieces of corn.
- A picture of his nose hangs at the Blarney Stone in Manhattan.
- When he speaks, cartoon characters like the Gazoo scurry out of his mouth.
- Puts Brütt cologne on his sandwiches.
- Loudly chants "Rus-tee, Rus-tee, Rus-tee!" when he wakes up every morning.
- Named two of his Nicotine draped teeth, Bo and Bice.
- Thinks DNA is just another small time wrestling circuit.
- Watches highlight reel of Ric Flair interviews before delivering opening statements.
- Commonly asked by people if he's related to Mr. Furley.
- Uses scotch as salad dressing.
- Many members of his entourage are southern leprechauns.
- Drives a 75-foot 1979 yellow Cadillac that features an entire skeleton of a buffalo as a hood ornament.
- His house is even yellow.
