(AUGUSTA, GA) -- Yes, Augusta National. Truly a tradition like no other. But it's more than just the green jacket, the magnolia flowers, the blatant homo-eroticism and Jim Nantz whispering into your television as if he was ordering a hooker... it's so much more.
Here is a look at some of the lesser known Augusta traditions, uncovered by the SportsHernia mole:
Wednesday
– Tournament officially kicks off in the Champions Room, with the ceremonial “A Jew, a black guy and a Mexican all walk into a bar” joke, told by Augusta Country Club president Hadley Maplethorpe.
– Contest to see who has the longest tassels on their loafers. Winner receives "their own negro and complimentary yacht".
– The annual midnight "Lighting of the Cross", hosted by Vern Lundquist and Ahmad Rashad.
– The ceremonial bastard conceived in the maids quarters with
an exalted prick named
Thursday
– The traditional tucking of the polos and hiking up of the
pleated khakis after the 9th hole.
– The 200-year-old ceremonial "Find the Jew" scavenger hunt for all the players' kids.
– Phil Mickelson continues recent tradition of taking off his bra at the opening tee and throwing it into a crowd of his adoring male fans.
Friday
– Discussion: "Fallen soldiers: Polo, Hilfiger, North Face - How to stop the black community from hijacking our preppy fashions."
– Secret midnight support group over Barrack Obama's impending nomination.
– Silent auction of the coveted Hope Bucket, a paint bucket
full of white paint that's used to white wash anything and everything possible.
Saturday
– “Amos and Andy” staged performance.
– Emotional candlelight vigil for all the Brooks Brothers founders.
Sunday
– The Folding of the Dockers: Emotional closing ceremony to tournament that has players watch their maids fold their Dockers to touching montage music on the 18th green.
– Free admission to anyone named "
– Augusta figurehead Hootie Johnson does his customary victory lap around the entire course, wearing glasses designed by Ben Franklin himself and drinking a risqué half iced tea/half lemonade, all while members of the gallery belt out the lyrics to Def Leppard's "Women."
