The Sports Hernia Blog

Pedro uses introductory press conference to reveal Nelson De La Rosa's replacement

E-xtraordinarily S-tupid P-erson N-earby

The above masterpiece that has you drooling like that black rectangle comes courteous of our courageous compadres over at JoeSportsFan -- we've just simply decided to pile on. 

Since sign making appears to be out of the question long term here, we've gifted the artist with a few recommended hobbies and activities to take up in lieu of such embarrassing awfulness.  In no particular order:

– Stop forcing your innocent kid to be the front man for your horrific creations.

– Become the next Super Dave Osborne.

– Figure out how to stop that horrified 'e' from crying.

– Heckle Spelling Bees.

– Heckle that fat chick on the far left.

– Take up nude skeet shooting.

– Create a never-ending list of what that 'N' word could have been.

– Design an expressive t-shirt line using only the glorious Wingdings font.

JSF @ ASG: Bad Moment in Fan Sign History [Joe Sports Fan]

Roy Halladay apparently filming Micatin commercial during All-Star game

It's the 2009 MLB All-Star game.  There are snipers standing on top of Busch Stadium's upper tier.  Mariano Rivera's entire family is sitting in the American League dugout.  Joe Torre and Tony La Russa are singing the ingredients to their favorite zeppoles in the National League dugout.  Almost everyone not in uniform is wearing a Big Red or Dentyne blazer.  And Tim McCarver even called a few innings with his pants on.

Clearly, special arrangements have been made for this baseball game. 

Is it really that much sweat off MLB's sack to provide Roy Halladay with a Blue Jays batting helmet?

MLB All-Star Game Commercials: Where Crap-on-a-Stick Happens

Astonishingly, after the pitch for this All-Star game commercial was made, actual executives from both Fox and MLB, with frighteningly real power, shouted "precisely!" in unison.  The following is what that mouthwatering pitch likely entailed:

"I want you to close your eyes and picture the scene with me.  Derek Jeter and Ryan Howard will be innocently standing there at first base when the St. Louis Arch will come out of nowhere and suddenly pull them into the air as it's miraculously become ... a flying magnet!  A magnet that will obviously be guided by the gentle hand of God, since Cardinals All-Star Albert Pujols can summon him at any time.  The blessed arch will of course only magnetize popular All-Stars, giving them a free ride with exquisite views, accompanied by soothing commentary from God, while the likes of Ryan Theriot will be forced to run to St. Louis.  The magical Arch will then scoop up lucky fans along the way who will excitedly text their friends while attached to said magnet!  Then, God will dump everyone into Busch Stadium and put the Arch back in it's rightful place while Mr. Pujols casually gazes in approval."

Without a doubt, these Fox executives had to be prominently involved.

Confirmed: Erin Andrews off the juice, actually just a Nutcracker doll

Also confirmed: Any and all food items laid out for Erin Andrews since arriving in St. Louis have been used as condiments for Prince Fielder's edible cleats and sausage-cased batting gloves. 

Burke Badenhop ...

... breaks into yoga pose in middle of game.

... just got the bad news about Michael Jackson.

... was the victim of a Bob Lee Swagger bullet from 1,000 yards away.

... understandably hits the deck on Truffle Shuffle night in Arizona.

... KO's himself with own fart.

... is somehow not Carl Pavano.

... was beaten senselessly by members of the Funk family.

... just finished a rousing rendition of "Rock The Cradle of Love."

... is one hell of a performance artist.

Marlins hit the deck, come back with 10-run 8th [Big League Stew]

Report: Lenny Dykstra not the suave, calculated genius he once appeared to be

This telling timeline has some critics believing the writing may have been on the wall for Lenny some years back:

1986
Dysktra buys exclusive rights to the "Teufel Shuffle" from Tim Teufel for 1.8MM.

1987
Pours $500K into recording and distributing teammate Rafael Santana's ill-fated R&B album "Captain Beefcurtains."

1990
Corners the market on all Kevin Maas rookie cards, spending up to 2.3MM.

1991
Foolishly invests $2.6 MM in concept car that would run entirely on John Kruk's back sweat.

1992
Purchases $450k worth of stock from Vandelay Industries.

1993
Buys back all his old tobacco spit from Rob Dibble.

1998
Buys Mark McGwire's son for 850k.

2000
Throws 500k into prestigious Long Island based investment firm, JT Marlin.

2001
Purchases batting helmet worn by Barry Bonds during record breaking home run for $650k and happily devours ice cream inside of it for a solid month.

2003
Spending begins to get confusing as Lenny builds life-size replica Mutt Cutts mobile made entirely of Kobe Beef for $6.3 million.

2005
Dumps 3.5 million into Friendster.

2006
In what might be his most embarrassing gaffe of all, Dykstra reveals he forked over 500k to a construction crew to literally begin building the Devil Rays website.

2007
Finds chew from 1992 All-Star game and sells it on ebay for $900k; immediately buys it back just minutes later for $1.8 million and ferociously chews it.

2009
Convinces himself he's actually Wally Backman's mustache.  Pays some fag shrink $400k to fix him.

Cubs outfield unveils awkward "Temptations Snap Dance" celebration

The only way for this touching moment shared between Sam Fuld, Kosuke Fukudome and Milton Bradley to get any more uncomfortable is if Fuld could somehow find a way to concentrate even harder on his rhythm.  

And it's been confirmed -- the trio was breaking into "Papa Was a Rolling Stone."

Still, baseball has a long way to go before it catches up with the NFL's highly innovative "Jumping Dong Kiss" celebration.

Rough holiday weekend leaves Wang, Big Unit limp

Count Yahoo's Gordon Edes as throughly impressed by Mariano Rivera

While certainly not shielding his true thoughts, Edes still took a far classier route than the New York Post's Larry Brooks, who recently penned a bizarre offseason piece entitled "Hey Rangers: Get Fucked And Die Soon," an article the cantankerous writer slipped past his editors once again by writing "Seriously, Fuck all of you Fuckers" over and over using the sneaky Wingdings font.