The Sports Hernia Blog

E-xtraordinarily S-tupid P-erson N-earby

The above masterpiece that has you drooling like that black rectangle comes courteous of our courageous compadres over at JoeSportsFan -- we've just simply decided to pile on. 

Since sign making appears to be out of the question long term here, we've gifted the artist with a few recommended hobbies and activities to take up in lieu of such embarrassing awfulness.  In no particular order:

– Stop forcing your innocent kid to be the front man for your horrific creations.

– Become the next Super Dave Osborne.

– Figure out how to stop that horrified 'e' from crying.

– Heckle Spelling Bees.

– Heckle that fat chick on the far left.

– Take up nude skeet shooting.

– Create a never-ending list of what that 'N' word could have been.

– Design an expressive t-shirt line using only the glorious Wingdings font.

JSF @ ASG: Bad Moment in Fan Sign History [Joe Sports Fan]

ESPN buys EPL rights to piss off UK soccer fans

The W.W.L.R.E.W.S (World Wide Leader in Ruining the Enjoyment of Watching Sports), ESPN, has bought the rights to broadcast English Premier League games in the UK from Setanta.  The bold move is a clear indication that ESPN is making a huge push to stop people from enjoying soccer in England.

So what can UK fans expect from ESPN's Soccer coverage?

• One 7' x 10' fake soccer field for a 12-man panel to act like stupid dickheads on.

• Classic "Gooooooal!!!" call to be replaced with Stuart Scott "Boo-Yah!"

• Talking.  Lots of fucking talking.

• Pre-game coverage to begin at 5am, featuring repeatedly concussed and drooling ex-players yelling over each other.

• Rapid edits.

• Analogies to American football players.

• Profiles on European players that somehow make them appear even gayer.

• Explanations.  Lots of fucking painful and unnecessary explanations.

• Lots of announcers saying “THAT guy is a soccer player.”

• A very confused Lou Holtz.

• Cameras finally focused more on players wives and celebrities instead of the game.

• Some asshole from the poker broadcasts.

• The advent of ‘Soccertology’.

• Holograms of players in the studio doing some stupid bullshit.

• Roughly 3 seconds per game of announcers not talking.

• Some hooker posing as a sideline reporter.

• Unbelievably witty comments like "Hey, this just in... Ronaldo is pretty good!"

• Non-stop Julie Foudy.

Jon Miller expected to be in full banana suit by late June

You can tell by the sloppy tailoring job, particularly the botched sleeve length, that this one is nothing but a Gordon Gartrell knock-off.

ESPN just toying with the male population of San Francisco

David Wright playing for the San Francisco Giants would be a worse scene than Val Venis taking off his towel in Adorable Adrian Adonis' Flower Shop.

Impressively, the gaffe is still there.

Crickets chirp loudly across nation as no one cares about Clemens

After looking into this hapless story and learning that Clemens cited a family history of heart trouble, using his STEP DAD as an example as to why he wouldn't have done steroids, this one may in fact have legs after all.  If nothing else, it's proved that PR and legal representation from Grape Ape, and Grape Ape alone, would blow the doors off of Team Hardin.

How about that Roger Clemens on ESPN?…What? (Sean B. Fitzgerald via Deadspin)

Once a man literally glimmering with hope, Barry Melrose is a shell of himself

Known to have inspired the likes of the Wiz and other worldwide stars, Barry Melrose and the warm halo that used to follow him like a loyal golden retriever has become, sadly, a distant memory.

Update: Make sure you check out Sebek's take on Barry's new hue over at JoeSportsFan.

Barry Melrose Looks A Little Medium Rare (Deadspin)

ESPN, where "Where the f**k are my headlines" happens

In this economy, it's imperative that you accidentally click on a Mac ad where all the headlines used to be.

Get poked.

Sincerely,

The Sports Hernia's wang

Snoop Dogg apparently blasted by shrinking gun

He will now be known as BeetleDog. 

More importantly, SportsCenter is in L.A.!  We'll now be hearing from relevant sports personalities on a more regular basis, hopefully daily!  But as much as that appeals to us, we'd still prefer to take a spiked bat to our respective nuts.

Krukie's "Nerds II" Ogre makeover will not contain the beast within

It's no secret that we've been keeping an eye on John Kruk's hair progression over the past two years or so, but his recent transition to Ogre from "Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds In Paradise" has left everyone floored, skeptical and somewhat neutered. 

It's now clear the brass at ESPN has plotted Krukie's image change from the dip-chewing, mullet-stylin', dirtball days of the '91 Phillies from the very start.  But you just know that cheesesteak-chewing animal still lurks within, and will eventually crash a keg party at the MLB Network in vintage Orge "Nerds" form.

ESPN should really know that efforts to tame beasts of Kruk's magnitude will prove fruitless.  Just like Alex in “A Clockwork Orange” and The Monster in “Young Frankenstein,” Krukie will certainly relapse into a bigger, angrier, more ogre-ish version of his former self.  You have been warned Bristol.

Beware… Fire bad!

ESPN Poll maker pretty much a dick

Ervin Santana and John Lackey are both on the DL, but hmm, this might, just might have been a bit unnecessary.  Four choices probably would've done the trick, dicks.  Or just an entirely different poll question, like "Do you think our poll creator is ChiefsRule86?"