The Sports Hernia Blog

F.U. Corner: Idiots who consider golf a sport

Hey, all you jackasses that think golf is a sport, FUCK YOU!

So, the great Eldrick Tont "Tiger" Woods has come back from knee surgery and with April approaching, we are being treated to promos for the golfing war hero's upcoming appearance at the Masters.  Yay.  Yippie. 

It's as though this is the biggest news since the Super Bowl, only one problem, he doesn’t play a sport, he has simply honed a particular skill that has netted him hundreds of millions of dollars.  Good for Tiger.  Kudos.  We wish his courageous fucking knee well.

But for all you fucknuts who think golf is a sport, you are fucking idiots, plain and simple.  I play golf (sure I use femur bones as clubs and frozen heads for golf balls), but still, I play.  It's a fun hobby that gets you outside for a few hours, but a sport?  I don’t think so.  Let’s look at the facts.

Craig Stadler and John Daly are not only professional golfers, they both have won multiple tournaments and grand slam tournaments.  Now, without calling them fat fucks, we can all safely say the word "athlete" doesn’t come to mind when their names are mentioned.

F.U. Corner: Carl F**king Pavano

Hey Carl, this is from myself and probably half of New York City: FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fuckstick Pavano came out Friday (not in that way, that is for another day) with the following ridiculous comment:

"When you're down, you expect your organization to pick you up, not kick you when you're down.  I've had to pick myself up quite a few times the last four years."

You are a fucking ass, Carla, I hope you suffer a career ending injury before the season begins because you are a waste of fucking space.  The Yankees did nothing but support your gimpy ass for the past four years, and every time Brian Cashman talked about you to the media, people thought he was nuts because he continually stood by you while you tried to get "healthy".  So this is how you repay him?  How the fuck do you treat your enemies?

When you lied about a rib injury (see: totaled Ferrari) to the organization, which set you back even further, they still supported you instead of telling you to fuck off.  What the fuck is wrong with you?  You just fleeced the Yankees for $39.5 million dollars and you have the balls to talk badly about them? 

F***ing Phillies Fans

I know most of you fans will not read this since the majority of Philly is either still wasted or in the local drunk tank, but...

Hey Phillies fans, FUCK YOU!

This World Series sucked, and I was torn about whom to root for and I actually decided on the Phillies because the Rays averaged 14,000 fans this year and those fans didn’t deserve a trip to the World Series.

Also, I kind of like Ryan Howard, Chase Utley and Jimmy Rollins - they all seem like good dudes.  But let me just say this right now: the Phillies' fans do not deserve those players or this title.

So congrats to the players, they played a great postseason.  To the fans: get FUCKED.  You are a bunch of zero class citizens in sports and in life.  If the founding fathers knew Philly fans were going to turn out this way, they would have signed the Declaration of Independence in Trenton and nicknamed Philly the City of White Trash Degenerates.

Last night, when Bud Selig was introduced, he was booed mercilessly and that is despicable.  I get it, he may have made a poor decision, but you guys just won so shut the fuck up.  Your shitty town hasn’t won a championship (of any kind excluding that arena football shit) in 25 years, so either cheer or stick a thumb up your ass.

Some charlatan has stolen a Hernia

 

With fantasy football drafts taking place this week and the beginning of next, we thought it might be fun to do a followup to our "Essential Fantasy Football Draft Tips" post.  Sounds like the next logical thing to do, right? 

Well about five minutes after this was decided, we ran into this lovely post on some shitdick blog called "Rejected Reality," which we quickly learned couldn’t be more aptly named considering the accompanying photo we found in the 'Know Me Better' section. 

Anyway, seconds after seeing this, like retarded synchronized divers, we all shouted in unison, "Some charlatan has stolen a Hernia.  Quick, to the archives!" -- with everyone of course doing their best Peterman 'fighting for the honor of Ziggy' impression.

It was quickly confirmed that the suave maestro strategically pulling the strings behind that grand site took our material and just re-posted it in it's entirety on his own blog four days after we originally posted it on the Hernia, as if it were written by himself. 

And get this, he STOLE FROM OUR COMMENTERS too, adding a handful of their comments from our post to the last portion of his post.  Speechless. 

At first we thought he may have just forgotten to link it, but after discovering the addition of the comments, it's clear this guy just blows.

What we do love is that he also listed the post in his 'Simply the Best' category that appears on the right sidebar.  Yes, he's very proud of that work.  Pathetic.

So in closing, you portly, dusty-sacked virgin, we wholeheartedly implore you to get porked by Porky Pig you unoriginal mother fucker.  Stay fucked.

Papelbon, Wow, F**k Off

There is dumb and there is stupid, then there is out of your mind retarded, and Jonathon Papelbon, you certainly win the prize there, so FUCK YOU, you fucking moron.

Your latest quotes about closing the all-star game are some of the stupidest comments I've heard in a long time.  Do you know anything about baseball?  Do you understand numbers?   Did your father educate you in a barn while he was butt-fucking some sheep and your mom was out on a “date” with cousin Jerry?

Saying you should be the closer over Rivera in this game is ridiculous, your ERA is double Rivera’s (1.03), you have four blown saves, he has blown ZERO, and you have seven walks to Rivera’s four.  Now in case you were wondering, in pitching, lower numbers are better, you dumb fuck.

This quote is unreal:  "If I was managing the team, I would close," Papelbon said. "I'm not managing the team, so it don't matter."  Well stated.  Rivera, whose second language is English, can formulate a more grammatically correct statement than that.

Then, you dumb hick, you go on to talk about last year and how you earned it:  "We've both earned that right; us, by winning the World Series and having the opportunity of having our manager there and our team being represented, and Mariano by what he's done for this role, we're in Yankee Stadium and blah, blah, blah," Papelbon said.  "It's not that easy.  Everybody thinks it's a cut and dry answer, but it's not."

FU, Told You So

Hey Everyone, I fucking told you so!

I wrote an FU Corner to that piece of shit OJ Mayo more than a year ago, and what happened?

You guessed it, that fucking low life is caught in a scandal for accepting money while at USC, shocker.  I mean, was the writing on the wall or what?  But wait, I forgot, college coaches are spineless fuckwads.

I hope USC gets probation and loses some scholarships so Tim Floyd can go back to being the useless coach he is.  It was clearly worth recruiting this kid, right Tim, what did you get?  A few nationally televised games, a first round loss to Kansas State and possible sanctions. 

Kudos Mr. Floyd, you did a bang up job, ya fucktard.

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Disclaimer:  The author of this article, Big Bad Weiss, also known as BBW, hails from parts unknown and his FU columns are delivered to Hernia Headquarters by a headless horseman. 

F.U. Corner: The Barber brothers

Hey, Tiki and Ronde, FUCK YOU!

You outfit matching, overall-wearing dickbags, go get your weekly teeth whitening blast before you hit the swing set together you insufferable pair of scrotum jugglers.  I could give a rats ass about you two bagging on Eli Manning, but everyone's tired of you effeminate douchebags running your glistening mouths like you're Hall of Fame locks, so it's time to shut the fuck up. 

Last I checked one of you fish-looking dickticklers hung up the pads early so you could smile more often for the camera while the other matching cockrocket talked shit on a radio show as if he's some lights-out-Deion-Sanders cover corner.  What happened on Sunday?  Oh, that's right, both of you shitbags took it up the tailpipe, so right now would be a wise time to shut the fuck up.  And speaking of, your radio show is called "The Barber Shop"?  My god, both of you, please get royally fucked.  You both deserve a Chuck Cecil helmet-to-no-helmet death spear.

Tiki, you probably get manicures more often than you bang your wife, so don't talk tough, you're a fucking joke.  And Ronde, you didn't do shit on Sunday, the Bucs D' was intimidating six years ago, so shutting the fuck up is long overdue sir.  Hey, here's an idea, maybe it's time for you too to be a total pussy and hang it up early.  Perhaps you can join the panel on the View, I'm sure your gay fucking giggle would fit right in with that group of shitslags.

Bottom line, fuck the Barber Shop, there are 246 days before opening weekend of the 2008 season, so until you're required to speak again by your respective network or team, SHUT THE FUCK UP.

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Disclaimer:  FU Corner's are delivered to Hernia Headquarters by a headless horseman.  Big Bad Weiss, the father of the FU Corner, did not pen this hate letter, however it was written in blood by one of his dedicated soliders.

Who the F**k Operated on Vitale!

Hey Dr. Fuckwad, or whatever your name is, FUCK YOU for you operation on Dick Vitale.  What a total missed opportunity for college basketball fans.  Never have I ever wanted a doctor to screw up a surgery so bad than this time.  I am not advocating erroneous surgery (which surely would lead to a malpractice suit), but think about what heaven we would have all been in if Dr. Fuckwad slipped and just snipped those vocal chords.

Although, I am going to take some blame for this missed opportunity.   If my head wasn't in my ass, I would have been able to send this doctor a case of whiskey, a mountain of cocaine and 10 whores straight off the boat from Costa Rica the night before the surgery.  But no, with my slip-up, and this asshole being a stand-up doctor, the rest of us are going to have to suffer through many more years of Duke Vitale running his fucking mouth.

So, Dr. Fuckwad, you can still save face and tell Dick-Fuck Vitale during his follow-up visit that he should retire from broadcasting and only speak 10 words a day, anything short of that, and consider yourself a Fuck You target forever.  Get Fucked!

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Disclaimer:  The author of this article, Big Bad Weiss, also known as BBW, hails from parts unknown and his FU columns are delivered to Hernia Headquarters by a headless horseman.  Yes, he is friends with Satan.

Hey, Steven Gerrard and ‘Sir’ Alex Ferguson...

...FUCK YOU!!

(Note: Big Bad Weiss, also known as BBW, hails from parts unknown and his FU articles are delivered by a headless horseman)

Fucking English pieces of shit, wanting to cap the amount of foreign players in the Premiership, stop your fucking bitching.

This is the most ludicrous notion I have heard in a long time.  The Premiership is the best league in the world because of foreign players, you tea-and-crumpets butt buddies.  The two of them say its hurting the English National Team.  I will tell you what is hurting them, it's filled with a bunch of individual stars that have NO idea how to play together.  Ego and bad teeth are killing that team, not foreigners in the Premiership.

I find it curious that this issue is being voiced just now, when England can possibly be eliminated for Euro 2008, and Arsenal, who have one English player, are atop the table in the Premiership.  We didn’t hear this bitching last year when Arsenal was 4th and qualifying for Euro 2008 hadn’t even begun.  Typical posh-pussy Brits.  Well, guess what, if it weren’t for foreigners helping your country, you would all be speaking German right now and the Premiership would be the second division of the Bundesliga, so shut the Fuck Up.

Surgeon "pulling out all the stops" to help Barbaro (actual headline)

This is the actual lead to an article on ESPN.com:

Doctors were "pulling out all the stops" to save Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro, who suffered a significant setback in his recovery from laminitis after months of upbeat reports.

I have one stop the doctors should pull out -- get a fucking bazooka, Uzi, machete and 50 grenades, and go Commando on its ass. That would be all the "necessary" stops the doctors should be pulling.  It is a lame, useless animal; kill the fucker already.

"It's sad that's he's had a setback because he was marching along toward living outside the hospital.... the only thing we care about is that he's not in pain."

HE IS IN A HOSPITAL!  We have HUMANS who are dying because they can't receive proper medical care and Barbaro is in a hospital. This world is fucked up, fucking horse lovers, get over it, another Barbaro will be along this spring, ass-rabbits.

For the last time Barbaro, FU!