The Sports Hernia Blog

The Ultimate NBA Player

Just hours away from the 2009 NBA Draft, the SportsHernia staff began to wonder, what would the perfect basketball player look like?  If one were able to combine the skills and unique talents of hoop legends, what would the NBA's Ultimate Player actually consist of?  After thoughtful consideration, it was really quite easy.

BEHOLD!

1 - Manute Bol's right leg
2 - Shawn Bradley's left leg
3 - Jack Sikma's perm
4 - Oliver Miller's abs
5 - Yinka Dare's vision
6 - Mark Madsen's rythym
7 - AC Green's will
8 - Kelly Tripucka's chest hair
9 - Danny Schayes' shoulder/back hair
10 - Popeye Jones' looks
11 - Roy Tarpley's nostrils
12 - Ben Wallace's touch
13 - Jeff Ruland's knee
14 - Rasheed Wallace's gray poof
15 - Sharone Wright's toned arm
16 - The nutritional savvy of Frank Williams & Lamar Odom
17 - Mutombo's wang
18 - Eddy Curry's drive

The All-Time NBA Pretty Boys (Part Tres)

The SportsHernia's hard-hitting journalism continues today with another chapter of the gripping All-Time NBA Pretty Boys series...

Kelly Tripucka
 

The original Detroit Piston 'bad boy" made a immediate name for himself on draft night by becoming the first player ever to accept his new team's jersey on stage shirtless, much to the delight of a visibly flustered David Stern.

Tripucka continued his controversial ways in 1991 when he demanded to be traded to a warm weather climate by shaving "Trade Me" into chest, back, shoulder and leg hair.

His fame became so legendary with the ladies in Charlotte, it wasn't uncommon to spot numerous Tripucka impostors around the city's most popular bars and clubs. You'd be surprised as to how many men would hop in a Chewbacca body suit, throw on a Hornets jersey and a brand new pair of Ray-Bans so they could experience just for a minute what it felt like to be Kelly Tripucka.

Interesting Fact:  The movie Teenwolf  was based on a stolen copy of Tripucka's haunting diary from high school. (But unlike the movie, Tripucka was ALWAYS the wolf.)

Mike Gminski

Few moments were more memorable in the 80's than the loud, audible gasp heard throughout NBA arenas when Mike Gminski ripped off his warm up pants (as well as the disappointing groan heard when he put them back on). 

This hairy fashion chameleon had dozens of looks; from the bearded Miami Vice (swiftly ripped off by George Michael), to the My Two Dads look, to his understated Brawny Man look with the Nets, blazing a trail for the likes of Vladimir Radmanovic to parade down safely.

Gmisnki fell on hard times later in his career, as he was forced to retire in 1991 after shattering both his pelvic and pubic bones during a visit to The Cheetah Club in Newark.  Gminski tried to commit suicide “numerous times” after hearing the prognosis.

March Madness office pools luring sociopaths out of the woodwork

Back in 2007, the Sports Hernia obtained one of the more interesting NCAA tourney brackets in the history of office pools, and because of that woman's sheer desperation and outright cry for help, she's inspired us to find more.

Some of the early returns so far include strange brackets from that "bitter IT guy" in your office, a creepy man from New York, some dude that hearts Duke, as well as what appears to be Dikembe Mutombo.

Enjoy...

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IT guy's bracket reveals he might blow up office:

(Click to enlarge)

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Man's shaky financial security apparent in NCAA picks:

(Click to enlarge)

Columnists you know you want to party with: ESPN edition

With spring nearly upon us, what better way to return to outdoor drinking than by introducing you to more columnists/bar-room-showmen that you just know you wanna party with.  This edition focuses strictly on a bunch of heartbreakers up in Bristol.

Enjoy.

Brian Doogan?  More like Brian Dahmer, but instead of eating your heart, he'll just break it.  Oh, don't be bashful ladies, that exposed woody is there for flattery.

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Ed's just real simple and real real.  The man is so intoxicated by round booty that his head literally might explode at any moment.  Ed's dream is to one day to get lost forever in some comfy cleavage.

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George Kimball, also known as the Unabomber to neighboring cellmates - because of his looks and his one nut - is the first imprisoned sex offender with a mainstream column.  As you might imagine, this crafty gigolo still finds a way to get that coveted weekend pass. 

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Graham Hays is a former R.A. at Shippensburg University.  Graham is pretty bored and looking for some 'tang, so he writes about women's hoops.  He's quite certain the ringer t-shirt on top of an undershirt look will blow your mind.

Pat Summit gets 1,000th victory; still 734 shy of Miss Elizabeth

KNOXVILLE, TENN -- Tennessee Lady Vols coach Pat Summitt finally reached the 1,000 victory mark in her storied career Thursday night, but still remains a staggering 734 victories shy of the beautiful, the fabulous, the incomparable Miss Elizabeth.

Miss Elizabeth, the greatest female coach and manager in the history of sports, compiled a lifetime record of 1,734 victories and only 4 losses over a dazzling 15-year career, before sadly passing away in 2003.  Her lifetime winning percentage of 99.8% is something that Summitt can only dream about, when she's not dreaming of Miss Elizabeth's impossibly suckable legs that is.

The stoic Summitt is clearly tired of living in Miss Elizabeth's shadow though, refusing to even answer reporters questions about the great Elizabeth.  And it's hard to blame her as the comparison is an unfair one. 

Miss Elizabeth's tenure behind the turnbuckle showed every woman alive that you could be successful and ladylike. Summitt thinks she has her challenges against the likes of Auriemma? Try names like Hart, Fuji and "The Brain" Heenan.  Elizabeth simply defined gorgeous power; the Helen of Troy of our time.

Source: Phil Jackson now 13-feet tall and 632 pounds

 

2nd Source: Brian Shaw now Amish...

'Shirt-Tank 3000' to replace all shirt-rockets at NBA games; 23 already confirmed dead

(DENVER, CO) -- With NBA crowds insatiable desire for free t-shirts at an all-time high, the NBA rolled out the highly controversial Shirt-Tank 3000, which will replace all wussy powered shirt-rockets by the end of the January.  The ST-3000's debut Monday in Denver was a wild success, with over 1,000 t-shirts fired in under two minutes and only 23 fan casualties (15 from blunt traumas to the chest and head, and another 8 to fan murders over contested shirts).

Shirt Tank 3000 Fun Facts:

• Can fire over 500 t-shirts in a minute, at speeds of up to 500 mph
• 7 out of 10 t-shirts delivered are scorched beyond recognition
• Tank cabin provides excellent hiding spot for that one fat dancer on each NBA dance team
• Driven by Captain Louis Albano (in most cities)
• If attendance is under 12,000, ST-3000 will fire feces instead of t-shirts
• Just like a regular tank, it can kill you

Other inventive patches found in Mets brainstorming lab

The 2009 baseball season will be particularly special in New York this spring, with new stadiums opening up in both Queens and the Bronx.  With that, of course, comes an unfathomable amount of various promotions and commemorative items, among them being the uniform patch players will wear on their sleeves.

Well, this is the Met's version of that patch.  Seriously, this is what players on the New York Mets will be flaunting on their abundance of different uniform combinations this season:

Soooo, ever interested in how they came up with such a winner, our crafty resources were able to get their hands on some of the concepts the Mets whipped up before ultimately netting out with the victory you see above.  In no particular order...

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Update:  For those of you that love the patch design, get ready to be disappointed, it's just far too subtle:

Gumbel to Sager: "I'm coming for ya"

Strangely, Craig Sager already had a response ready for Bryant Gumbel before this post even went up.  The  fashion-forward, brightly lit TNT reporter shouted the following gem into our voicemail before arrogantly farting into the phone and hanging up:

"Honky please... I have the same coat with actual vines and a mini Tarzan swinging around.  Next."

Expect Sager to be wearing the San Diego Chicken during his next television appearance.

Reminder: Frank Deford exists