The Sports Hernia Blog

Attention Rangers Fans: This is Evgeny Grachev skating in a circle

Seriously.  This video came from the New York Rangers page on NHL.com.  It's five minutes of top prospect Evgeny Grachev skating around in a circle, set to a dazzling musical offering that could only be described as "rockin' jam session."  If this doesn't have you fiending for more of Grachev, perhaps the next video installment will have him speaking or something. 

And don't worry, if this upbeat, travelin' kind of tune has inspired the sudden urge to play Excitebike, Rad Racer or Pole Position, you're not alone.

However, we must admit, it's hard to get past the opening drum explosion, as we've restarted the video roughly 15 times.

Later today on NHL.com: Grachev eats

Tonight: Grachev sleeps

Tomorrow morning: Grachev adjusts his balls while getting the paper

Pens-Caps ratings soar as Nintendo's Mario, ref show up for Game 7

Despite the disappointment of finally drawing fans outside of hockey for what turned into a game seven Penguins blowout, Versus still managed to squeeze out record ratings from last night's game. 

Shortly after the first stoppage of play in the second period, Mario, eight-time MVP of Nintendo's Ice Hockey, scurried onto the ice and immediately stole the puck from Pittsburgh's Miroslav Satan, launching a 103 mph slapshot just beyond the reach of Pens goalie Marc-Andre Fleury, shattering the glass behind him, and finally bringing the packed arena to their feet.

One of the skinny guys (not pictured) made an equally popular appearance late in the third, weaving through traffic and scoring a garbage goal for the Caps.  However, he was soon knocked unconscious after skating next to Hal Gill, who breathed in his direction.

Once a man literally glimmering with hope, Barry Melrose is a shell of himself

Known to have inspired the likes of the Wiz and other worldwide stars, Barry Melrose and the warm halo that used to follow him like a loyal golden retriever has become, sadly, a distant memory.

Update: Make sure you check out Sebek's take on Barry's new hue over at JoeSportsFan.

Barry Melrose Looks A Little Medium Rare (Deadspin)

The Rangers' Paul Mara...

... will soon instruct his beard to attack John Giannone.

... looks like someone transplanted Chewbacca's ass on his face.

... was actually Bruce Sutter before he shaved his head.

... could sure use some quality time with the goalie from Slap Shot.

... has scared our nipples right off our chests.

... is halfway through "The Fugitive".

... wants to party with those hairballs from Maury Povich.

... is no longer able to speak because the weight of the beard is too great.

... played the title role in "Harry and the Henderson's", except he slugs Lithgow in the closing scene.

... is smuggling extra stick tape in his beard a la Captain Caveman.

... thinks Kevin Youkilis' beard is the Yugo of facial hair.

Ah yes, the highly controversial "Altar Boy" celebration

Claude Lemieux apparently coming out of retirement to play for Penguins

Larry Brooks' Silver Lining is in the Shape of a Lightning Bolt

The always cheerful hockey beat writer for the NY Post, Larry Brooks, continued his hot streak of glowing headlines for the Rangers this week. Probably best known for sitting in press row at MSG in full Grim Reaper attire, Brooks has never been shy to say it like it is.  Here's a look back at some of Larry's more memorable opening salvos:

• Rangers Worthless in Defeat, Life...

• Rangers Short on Goals, Saves, Souls

• Rangers' Decline in Sync with my Life

• Current Crop of Rangers Can Blow Me

• Rangers a Bunch of Heartless Zombie Assholes

• Pretty Sure These Rangers are the Undead

• The TinMan Had More Heart Than These Sorry Fucks

• Rangers Lack of Soul, Dense Testicles a Growing Concern

• Emotionally Bankrupt Money Whores Lose 5th Straight

• Rangers Lacking that Rare... Oh Fuck It, These Assholes Have No God Damn Heart

• These Rangers Don't Even Have the Balls to Kill Themselves

• Hey Rangers, Fuck You

ESPN hockey analyst E.J. Hradek apparently holding self hostage

First it was the morbid, haunting footage from hockey analyst Scott Burnside.  Now, in the latest of ESPN's serial killer-themed hockey installments, it's the disturbing video entry from analyst E.J. Hradek.

Hradek, who could easily be mistaken for the top of a Pez dispenser, is clearly holding the camera himself and from start to finish, it appears as if he's constantly on the verge of falling out of the shot at any moment, but willing himself to finish so as not to pay the steep, mysterious price.

In the next couple weeks, don't be surprised if you wake up in the middle of the night to a pantsless Hradek holding a candle and whispering his blog entry into a tiny camcorder.

And if you're not creeped out enough already, here's Hradek:

Budget Cuts Continue at ESPN, Hradek Latest to Be Hit (Barry Melrose Rocks)
E.J. Hradek's Games Of The Week (ESPN)

Concern for Burnside growing after latest cryptic video entry

ESPN hockey analyst Scott Burnside raised some eyebrows Friday when he posted his latest video blog entry from what looks like, a very lonely Ramada Inn complemented by last day on earth lighting.  Along with the video's disturbing "If you're watching this, then I'm already gone..." feel, friends of Burnside have come forward with tales of unusual behavior that may have led to the morbid footage.

- Filmed previous video entry with "Silent Lucidity," "November Rain" and Elliott Smith b-sides blaring in the background that ESPN eventually had no choice but to kabosh.

- Phone's voicemail plays for 45 seconds with no speaking, just the sound of a violent thunderstorm.

- Facebook page has been fraught with ominous postings such as one from Columbus after reporting on the Blue Jackets-Lightning game, saying: "I'm really going to do it".

- Other eery postings on friends' walls at random, such as "You watch and see, you just watch and see" and "You'll be hearing from me, but you won't know where I am."

- Let his sideburns grow almost to his ear. 

- With no authority to do so, fired ESPN's production crew in favor of room service guy with camera phone.

- Actually started calling players by their full name instead of replacing last syllable with "y" (ie: Leetchey, Gravy).  A classic "the end is near" sign in the hockey world.

- Replaced original eyebrows with Uncle Leo's angry ones.

- Has been overheard muttering "Only the worms understand me.  And soon they will have me."

Finally, an intensely haunting still from Burnside's hideout:

Whatever it is, Olli Jokinen definitely didn't do it