The Sports Hernia Blog

E-xtraordinarily S-tupid P-erson N-earby

The above masterpiece that has you drooling like that black rectangle comes courteous of our courageous compadres over at JoeSportsFan -- we've just simply decided to pile on. 

Since sign making appears to be out of the question long term here, we've gifted the artist with a few recommended hobbies and activities to take up in lieu of such embarrassing awfulness.  In no particular order:

– Stop forcing your innocent kid to be the front man for your horrific creations.

– Become the next Super Dave Osborne.

– Figure out how to stop that horrified 'e' from crying.

– Heckle Spelling Bees.

– Heckle that fat chick on the far left.

– Take up nude skeet shooting.

– Create a never-ending list of what that 'N' word could have been.

– Design an expressive t-shirt line using only the glorious Wingdings font.

JSF @ ASG: Bad Moment in Fan Sign History [Joe Sports Fan]

Self-promotion: Hernia makes historic 2nd appearance on Joe Sports Fan show

This week we were once again welcomed to the Joe Sports Fan show by jovial co-hosts Matt Sebek and Josh Bacott to take part in their "Wiffle Ball" segment, which is really the closest thing to an electronic Congo line that you'll ever find.

Joined by Ethan Jaynes of NESW Sports, many hot buttons of the sports world were discussed including David Eckstein's race car bed, time traveling, horrifying sports sequels and a Battle Royal featuring MLB managers.

You can get the episode over at JSF or listen to show directly, right here. 

Yes, that highly arrogant gentleman in the photo (left) is among the Hernia bigwigs.  And yes, he owns a pair of bedazzled Blublockers.

Self-promotion: Hernia makes appearance on the Joe Sports Fan show

This week we were welcomed to the Joe Sports Fan show by affable co-hosts Matt Sebek and Josh Bacott to take part in their illustrious "Wiffle Ball" segment, along with the great Jimmy Traina of SI's Extra Mustard. 

A certain magic was born discussing topics such as the greatest baseball movies, Monopoly brawls, the Nature Boy Ric Flair, Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake and the song you would pick if you were a baseball closer walking out of the bullpen. (Hint.)

You can get the episode over at JSF or listen to show directly, right here.  And yes, that highly arrogant photo on the right is among the Hernia bigwigs.  And yes, he owns a Segway.

Episode 8 of the JoeSportsFan Show Now Available (JSF)
Direct link to Episode 8 (JSF)

Joe Sports Fan Presents... WrestleMania's Untold Stories

By Patrick Imig

As an accredited WrestleMania historian, I would like to divulge a few of the lesser known subplots surrounding some of the greatest matches from the first 12 editions of WrestleMania.  They're quite something.

Andre the Giant/Big John Studd - WrestleMania
The $15,000 used in the Giant/Studd slam-match was a stipend paid by Hall of Famer Pat Patterson for the opportunity to wine and dine with guest timekeeper for the main event, Liberace. Mr. T said the dinner brought PAIN.

Randy Savage/Ricky 'the Dragon' Steamboat - WrestleMania III
After losing the Intercontinental Title to Steamboat, an incensed Macho Man created what is believed to be his first rap single. Titled "Gonna Crush your Larynx", the lyrics served as a warning to Miss Elizabeth that Savage was gonna slap her. Hard.

Andre the Giant/Hulk Hogan - WrestleMania III
During his post-match physical exam, medical officials found remnants of Bobby Heenan's right pinkie between Andre's two front molars. Swab tests also showed the presence of Koko's pet Frankie.

Hulk Hogan/Randy Savage - WrestleMania V
The Hulkster absorbed an entire bottle of baby oil prior to his pre-match interview with the sole intent of arousing Gene Okerlund. Irate that Hogan would choose to arouse Okerlund over the conflicted Elizabeth, Macho Man assaulted everyone in sight.

Joe Sports Fan Presents: When Things Get A Little Too Close in the Announcers Booth

By The JoeSportsFan Staff

Play-by-play booths at sporting venues around the country aren't exactly considered spacious real estate. Two or more people are crammed at a table next to each other amidst laptops, TV monitors, notebooks, telestrator accessories and whatever else they can fit. And to make matters worse, producers often feel the need to put the announcers on camera together, literally shoulder-to-shoulder, completely ignoring the concept of "personal space".

Sometimes the tight quarters are magnified by instructions to "get closer" or "lean in to show interest" to what there partner is rambling about. As today's special video-edition of The JoeSportsFan Show demonstrates, sometimes those instructions backfire...

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All past greatness seen on this very site from those Red Roosters at JSF can be found right here.

Bookmark 'em, subscribe to their feed, play high stakes poker with them, make an O-Face, whatever -- just do something you inconsiderate pricks.

Joe Sports Fan Presents: The JoeSportsFan Radio Show

By The JoeSportsFan Staff

Tuesday night, the Thursday tradition unlike any other - otherwise known as The JoeSportsFan Show went live for two hours of sports radio power.  Yes, it was a Tuesday, but it's all gravy because we're happy to inform all that you can still watch and listen to the show. While none of us eat like a man from the hearty menu of Nutrisystem, we do celebrate absurdity and hope you're entertained.

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All past greatness seen on this very site from those Red Roosters at JSF can be found right here.

Bookmark 'em, subscribe to their feed, play high stakes poker with them, make an O-Face, whatever -- just do something you inconsiderate pricks.

Joe Sports Fan Presents: The Influence of Poker in Sports

By Matt Sebek

Poker guys.

Honestly, what's not to love?  They're clever, witty, usually attractive, and undeniably more intelligent than you.  That's why they developed their own zippy poker lingo, so they could obtain a heightened level of communication over us sheep.

ESPN and other major sports networks are impressed, and so are we.  The influence of poker on the modern world of athletics is rich, and deep. After all, it takes an incredible amount of skill and strategy to perfect games like poker.

Well, take a look and you'll see...

[The JoeSportsFan Show Archives]

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All past greatness seen on this very site from those tax cheats at JSF can be found right here.

Bookmark 'em, subscribe to their feed, make an O-Face, play EA Softball, whatever -- just do something you inconsiderate pricks.

Joe Sports Fan Presents: The Tebow Man Crush

By Joshua Bacott

Watching CBS' broadcast of the SEC championship game this past weekend it became crystal clear that, when it comes to shameless man-passion that the media has for an individual player, the NFL has the undisputed leader in the form of Brett Favre, but the college game also has their own burgeoning superstar.

His name is Tim Tebow and I'm fairly certain that if Gary Danielson would have been offered the opportunity to conduct a post-game interview from Tebow's lap on Saturday, he would have set a land-speed record from the booth to the field.

And this is no snub against Tebow.  There's not much of a doubt that he's about as good as a QB who wears Crocs in public can be.  Only 2 picks against 28 touchdowns is impressive in a season where every team placed a target on his back.

All that said, listening to Danielson and his partner Verne Lundquist gush about him for four quarters made it sound like they were singing Andy Samberg's new jam in the announcing booth.  It was classic Favre-itis.  The defense makes a huge play...the camera flips to Tebow on the sidelines.  The special teams puts the clamps on the Crimson Tide kickoff return...the announcers explain that it was because Tebow was yelling at them before the play. 

Basically, every ounce of success that the Gators experience is apparently due to Tim Tebow.

I began to think that maybe I was being too hard on old Verne and Gary. Maybe their love affair with Tebow was a product of my overly critical imagination which has been sculpted by years of listening to the media profess their undying love to all things Favre.

Joe Sports Fan Presents: The Next Big Thing at JSF...

By The JoeSportsFan Staff

It's not easy staying on the cutting edge when it comes to celebrating the absurdity of sports.  For the love of god, over the weekend, the scrolling banner on ESPN had a headline that read "Plaxico Burress shoots self; injuries not life-threatening".

Basically what we're saying is that when you make it your goal to mock the absurdity of sports, you better be ready to tackle absolutely anything because it's not getting any more normal out there.

At JoeSportsFan.com, we like to think of ourselves as somewhat progressive.  While we don't really have the money or the dedicated resources of our mainstream cohorts, we certainly don't suffer from a lack of motivation when it comes to finding new ways to do what we do.

With that in mind, today we make our first foray into a new and unlimited medium - the world of video.  We've filled the JSF studios with shiny, new camera equipment, glued on a fake mustache and then let Sebek run wild with the editing software.  The result is a little behind the scenes look at what may be the next big thing for video game giant Electronic Arts...

(some language NSFW)

Joe Sports Fan Presents: Advertisers, Be Cautious of Your Trendy Graphics

By Matt Sebek

The "splashed" blood and paint phenomenon is a trend that has gotten increasingly popular in Photoshop land recently.  The trend adds some attitude and demeanor to any graphic.  Well, *almost* any graphic.

A reader directed us to the following promotional banner that appeared at the 2008 World Cyber Games.

Budding Photoshoppers should be aware of their "splashed paint" usage.  In this case, an liquidous explosion directly underneath a weight-lifters anus usually indicates some sort of rectal blowout.

In addition to the Photoshop faux pas, you might be asking yourself, "What in God's name are the World Cyber Games?"  It's a fair question, and one that ran through my coconut after learning about the origin of this advertisement.

Officially, the World Cyber Games is the world's largest gaming festival, serving over one million gamers every year.  Unofficially, it's the worst place on earth to get laid second to a Willie McGee look-alike contest.

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All the past greatness seen on the Hernia from those rabid Mae Young fanatics at JSF can be found right here.

Bookmark 'em, subscribe to their feed, make an O-Face, whatever -- just do something you inconsiderate pricks.