The Sports Hernia Blog

Getting to know your British Open players

Rory McIlroy
- Fears clowns and strange dolls despite being related to them.
- Can't fathom a world in which Guinness does not exist.
- Needs to finish his round before the lacrosse game starts.
- Knows McLovin.

***

Darren Clarke
- Signed $35 million deal with "LA Looks" hair gel.
- Rarely plays with pants on when not on tour.
- Would style and gel his pubes if it meant more poon.
- Has swapped cell phone dong pics with Sean Salisbury.

***

Markus Brier
- Nominated for Oscar for role as Smigel in Lord of the Rings.
- Does a mean impression of the Lucky Charms leprechaun without even knowing it.
- Ears were used by John Totoro for role of Billy Martin in The Bronx is Burning.
- Is not even on the PGA Tour.

***

Lucas Glover
- Was a stand-in in Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd.
- Recently said that "after this British Open thing," he's partying hard with Ben Seaver.
- Cured Luco-plakia.
- Spastic laugh is actually worse than his picture indicates.
- Plays quarterback for the Chicago Bears.

***

Sean O'Hair
- First off, Sean O'Hair?  O'Hair??
- Uses Prell.
- Is pictured above denying he killed his missing wife on a chilling "20/20: Investigates" segment.

***

Colin Montgomerie
- Famous for saying "screw it, let's get some whores" immediately after first bogey.
- Was actually created on Conan O'Brien's "What if they mated" segment that featured Pete Carroll and Bill Parcells.

Report: Cheerleaders to be extinct by 2012

According to a Yahoo Sports article, cheerleading is the most dangerous high school and college sport on the planet Earth, narrowly beating out 'Night Roof Pool Diving' and 'Drunk Kangaroo Boxing':

"The new numbers are for the 26-year period from the fall of 1982 through the spring of 2008:

• There were 1,116 direct catastrophic injuries in high school (905) and college sports (211)."

The SportsHernia investigative team took a deep dive into this report, and here's a look at the 10 most common cheerleading injuries:

1. Head lodged in jumbotron
2. Severed labia from extreme splits
3. Close range shirt rocket decapitations
4. Trying to suck own dick during backflip
5. Boner fracture from catching flying cheerleader
6. Smile-induced facial muscle tears
7. Spontaneous combustions
8. Sodomized by rival mascot
9. Unfortunate Nair accidents and glitter abrasions
10. Sitting on hidden spy cam

The Most Dangerous Sport: Cheerleading [Yahoo! News]

Meanwhile at the US Open...

Rocco Mediate is sweating like Patrick Ewing in a turtleneck sweater at a KKK rally

Eric Axley's hair and Alvaro Quiros' waxed eyebrows have already won over the Bethpage gallery

Sorry Phil, but unless you plan on spending at least two nights at Gotti Tans or find a way to turn that free-wheelin' mullet into a sugar glazed helmet of glory, we're afraid you're on your own this weekend at The Black.

Judging by these pictures, WNBA commish Donna Orender must have the most annoying laugh in the world

And she kinda looks like a jack-o'-lantern had sex with Odie.

Risqué horse photoshoot commanding more attention than upcoming Kentucky Derby

Not since Lex Luger posed nude with Shannon Sharpe have we seen such a bizarre horse photoshoot.  Even stranger, there are only two horse puns in the Post's headline.

Horses' Mane Makeovers A Real Pony Tale (NY Post)

[Photos courtesy of Fame Pictures]

Cricket experiences worldwide popularity for record five seconds

We're not sure if the people in attendance are delighted over the surprise appearance from the skin twins or enraged that the wrong blonde flashed the crowd.  Either way, cricket is wild.

UPDATED: This video works.  Eat it, YouTube.

(h/t: Total Pro Sports via The Big Lead)

F.U. Corner: Idiots who consider golf a sport

Hey, all you jackasses that think golf is a sport, FUCK YOU!

So, the great Eldrick Tont "Tiger" Woods has come back from knee surgery and with April approaching, we are being treated to promos for the golfing war hero's upcoming appearance at the Masters.  Yay.  Yippie. 

It's as though this is the biggest news since the Super Bowl, only one problem, he doesn’t play a sport, he has simply honed a particular skill that has netted him hundreds of millions of dollars.  Good for Tiger.  Kudos.  We wish his courageous fucking knee well.

But for all you fucknuts who think golf is a sport, you are fucking idiots, plain and simple.  I play golf (sure I use femur bones as clubs and frozen heads for golf balls), but still, I play.  It's a fun hobby that gets you outside for a few hours, but a sport?  I don’t think so.  Let’s look at the facts.

Craig Stadler and John Daly are not only professional golfers, they both have won multiple tournaments and grand slam tournaments.  Now, without calling them fat fucks, we can all safely say the word "athlete" doesn’t come to mind when their names are mentioned.

Mickelson fends off being tired and thirsty to finish round of golf

A resounding round of applause is in order for all-world athlete Phil Mickelson, who courageously found a way to finish 18 holes of golf on an empty stomach.

The golf club swinging warrior has truly become the Ronnie Lott of "walking around while someone carries my bag for a few hours." 

Kudos, Mickeltits.

Dehydrated Mickelson gets first WGC win (Yahoo! Sports)

Chris Russo unsure if Tiger's return holds any significance for golf

Notable highlight:

"Then this weekend on NBC, Tiger uses the port-o-potty, Jimmy Roberts right outside, I guarantee you that!!!"

Now if only someone could guarantee that Chris Russo would also be waiting for Tiger outside the port-o-potties with a mic in one hand, and his Princess Vespa blowdryer in the other. 

Mad Dog Minute (MSNBC)