The Sports Hernia Blog

ESPN buys EPL rights to piss off UK soccer fans

The W.W.L.R.E.W.S (World Wide Leader in Ruining the Enjoyment of Watching Sports), ESPN, has bought the rights to broadcast English Premier League games in the UK from Setanta.  The bold move is a clear indication that ESPN is making a huge push to stop people from enjoying soccer in England.

So what can UK fans expect from ESPN's Soccer coverage?

• One 7' x 10' fake soccer field for a 12-man panel to act like stupid dickheads on.

• Classic "Gooooooal!!!" call to be replaced with Stuart Scott "Boo-Yah!"

• Talking.  Lots of fucking talking.

• Pre-game coverage to begin at 5am, featuring repeatedly concussed and drooling ex-players yelling over each other.

• Rapid edits.

• Analogies to American football players.

• Profiles on European players that somehow make them appear even gayer.

• Explanations.  Lots of fucking painful and unnecessary explanations.

• Lots of announcers saying “THAT guy is a soccer player.”

• A very confused Lou Holtz.

• Cameras finally focused more on players wives and celebrities instead of the game.

• Some asshole from the poker broadcasts.

• The advent of ‘Soccertology’.

• Holograms of players in the studio doing some stupid bullshit.

• Roughly 3 seconds per game of announcers not talking.

• Some hooker posing as a sideline reporter.

• Unbelievably witty comments like "Hey, this just in... Ronaldo is pretty good!"

• Non-stop Julie Foudy.

Popularity of Soccer starting to gain steam in Europe

As evidenced by the 80,000-plus fans who appeared at the Bernabeu for Cristiano Ronaldo's lavish "introduction", many of whom even broke out of jail to witness, it appears soccer may have finally found a place of importance in Madrid.

What is Ronaldo doing?

Prior to Manchester United's massive clash against Arsenal this weekend, Hernia staffers (including the mole) and the rest of the world are waiting with baited breath for the answer to this question:

Just what in the hairy hell is Ronaldo doing?

Practicing his painfully effeminate version of the Red Rooster strut?

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Auditioning for an even gayer version of the Blue Lagoon?

Soccer player apparenly steps on invisible landmine

Amazingly, this same man was seen doing an Ozzie Smith backwards somersault just a few minutes later.

Update: Every Spanish-speaking country does slanty eye gag

Well done, Argentina.

Up next for the heartwarming, catchy gag, Puerto Rico's mixed male/female midget chicken fighters and Mexico's All-Star Luchadores.

Merciless soccer sniper still at large

The unforgiving marksman continued his assault on soccer players this weekend, this time at a World Cup qualifying match, taking out the understandably emotional Marvin Gonzalez of El Salvador.

So far, the only suspects are these guys...

And this guy...

German player apparently steps on Ronaldo with diamond-plated poison-tipped cleats

Rusty's girlfriend from European Vacation spotted at Euro Cup

Given that it's been 23 years since the movie was filmed, color us impressed.  Rusty on the other hand, must look like shit.

Players wary of new ball unveiled for Euro Cup 2008

Ronaldo racks up awards, legend grows

Christian Ronaldo has won his second consecutive Professional Footballer's Association Player of the year award.  This being a most impressive feat, what is even more impressive is his stranglehold on the following lesser known awards:

• World Soccer Dingle Berry of the Year award
• Inter Planetary Crying Bitch of the Year award
• European Rat Face of the Year award
• Winner of the first two European Prom King awards
• Best Portuguese impression of Some Dude from Jersey award
• I Somehow Found a Way to Look Twice as Gay as Ricky Martin award