The Sports Hernia Blog

David Beckham's unfortunate transformation into that weird dude from Limp Bizkit

 

Gustavo Johnson calls Honduras soccer game

Gustavo Johnson, who is clearly the Latino cousin of Gus Johnson, had the call last night in the Honduras-El Salvador game and was separately watching, quite obviously, when the U.S. tied it up in their game against Costa Rica, which put Honduras in the World Cup.

We certainly hope Gustavo joins his cousin for March Madness.

Enjoy:

"Honduras estamos en el Mundial!!!"
"Estamos en Sudafrica!
"Que final!"

Tale of the Tape: American vs. European football coaches

The SportsHernia's investigative team takes a close look at the subtle differences between European football (soccer) coaches and American football coaches.  Without further ado, the Tale of the Tape:

Average Height
European Football Coach: 6 ft
American Football Coach: 6 ft

Average Weight
European Football Coach: 168 pounds
American Football Coach: 372 pounds

Average Work Week
European Football Coach: 11 hours
American Football Coach: 124 hours

Style
European Football Coach: Armani, Gucci, Versace
American Football Coach: Zubas, Thorton Mellon's Tall & Fat, anything that fucking fits

Wife
European Football Coach: Some hot French chick
American Football Coach: Crying in basement with loaded shotgun

Mistress
European Football Coach: Half of Italy, France and Spain
American Football Coach: Mike Francesa, Peter King

Sunglasses
European Football Coach: Daniel Craig's aviators
American Football Coach: Oakley Blades with Croakies, anything that covers entire face

Key Tactical In-Game Moves
European Football Coach: Squinting, adjusting tie, taking off blazer, winking
American Football Coach: Series of adjustments based on play-by-play game film, throwing headset, having heart attack during halftime speech

Desperate MLS making Beckham do all interviews in the nude

Obafemi Martins celebrates goal with "Dancin' On The Ceiling" somersault routine

The only way to possibly improve this is if Martins could somehow incorporate Sam Cassell's prolific 'Big Nuts' celebration dance.

[via Telegraph]

ESPN buys EPL rights to piss off UK soccer fans

The W.W.L.R.E.W.S (World Wide Leader in Ruining the Enjoyment of Watching Sports), ESPN, has bought the rights to broadcast English Premier League games in the UK from Setanta.  The bold move is a clear indication that ESPN is making a huge push to stop people from enjoying soccer in England.

So what can UK fans expect from ESPN's Soccer coverage?

• One 7' x 10' fake soccer field for a 12-man panel to act like stupid dickheads on.

• Classic "Gooooooal!!!" call to be replaced with Stuart Scott "Boo-Yah!"

• Talking.  Lots of fucking talking.

• Pre-game coverage to begin at 5am, featuring repeatedly concussed and drooling ex-players yelling over each other.

• Rapid edits.

• Analogies to American football players.

• Profiles on European players that somehow make them appear even gayer.

• Explanations.  Lots of fucking painful and unnecessary explanations.

• Lots of announcers saying “THAT guy is a soccer player.”

• A very confused Lou Holtz.

• Cameras finally focused more on players wives and celebrities instead of the game.

• Some asshole from the poker broadcasts.

• The advent of ‘Soccertology’.

• Holograms of players in the studio doing some stupid bullshit.

• Roughly 3 seconds per game of announcers not talking.

• Some hooker posing as a sideline reporter.

• Unbelievably witty comments like "Hey, this just in... Ronaldo is pretty good!"

• Non-stop Julie Foudy.

Popularity of Soccer starting to gain steam in Europe

As evidenced by the 80,000-plus fans who appeared at the Bernabeu for Cristiano Ronaldo's lavish "introduction", many of whom even broke out of jail to witness, it appears soccer may have finally found a place of importance in Madrid.

What is Ronaldo doing?

Prior to Manchester United's massive clash against Arsenal this weekend, Hernia staffers (including the mole) and the rest of the world are waiting with baited breath for the answer to this question:

Just what in the hairy hell is Ronaldo doing?

Practicing his painfully effeminate version of the Red Rooster strut?

***

Auditioning for an even gayer version of the Blue Lagoon?

Soccer player apparenly steps on invisible landmine

Amazingly, this same man was seen doing an Ozzie Smith backwards somersault just a few minutes later.

Update: Every Spanish-speaking country does slanty eye gag

Well done, Argentina.

Up next for the heartwarming, catchy gag, Puerto Rico's mixed male/female midget chicken fighters and Mexico's All-Star Luchadores.